VERY good. You've improved a lot! I just have two problems...
Your showing sentences throughout the post were great, but this paragraph was ENTIRELY composed of telling sentences:
Quote:
|
He reached his room shortly. He placed her on his desk and used a short stack of papers as a bed for her to rest on. He then used an unusually small pad of paper that was sticky on one side of each slip as a pillow. He took off his sheathes and armor, throwing them on the bed so as too not hinder his movement. He began to work on helping the small fairy to overcome her wounds. He noticed that she was sweating and remembered that was a sign of a fever. He tore off a small strip of cloth from his shirt and wetted in a small goblet of cool water he saw on the bed side table. He then folded it and placed it on her head, the water trickling down the sides and began to bled into the paper.
|
For consistency reasons, don't let little nasty errors like that appear. Make sure you're constantly sticking to the way you are writing. The other problem I had was that you still have quite a few grammatical and spelling errors; try and make sure you fix those in future posts.
Now, for your next post, have my character, Orysius, find your character in his (your character's) room. Have Orysius speak as little as possible when you introduce him, because the focus should be on your character, not mine. Be sure though, to have Orysius explain that he is your character's teacher. ALSO... make sure Orysius says that someone wants to meet your character in the Dome's cafeteria. At that, have Orysius leave the room. Afterwards, have your character go to meet this person in the cafeteria.
When your character arrives in the cafeteria, have him get some food and then sit down to eat. After munching for a bit, a hooded warrior sits down to join him and begins to talk with him. What your character and this warrior talk about is entirely up to you, as is the warrior's personality. This is the person that wanted to meet your character, by the way. End your post where you feel their conversation ends, but do not have either of them rise from their seats just yet.
Throughout your next post (and all of your posts anywhere, I hope), try and have just as many showing sentences as you did in the previous lesson!