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Sukray walked into a huge temple, with a long glistening white marble pillars, shining in the moonlight. As Sukray walked across it, he nearly slipped, his Angelic Armor too smooth to catch on the floor.
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Having both “a” and a plural noun is contradictory. And since there’s most likely more than one pillar, take out the “a”. And the comma after “pillars” is unnecessary. Also, the “it” in the second part is misleading. It acts as if it refers to the pillars, which is illogical. Change places with “it” and “floor”.
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He saw a huge statue of a massive woman wearing a long robe and holding a long staff, Sukray assumed she was some sort of goddess.
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Comma still needs to be changed to a semicolon.
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why am I here...?, Sukray.
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Capitalize “why”, take out the comma, and add the verb after “Sukray”.
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But it seemed that another door had appeared beside the godess.
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“Goddess”, with two “d”s.
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Another was a huge mountain, Complete with snow, and many clouds floating around.
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Un-capitalize “complete”.
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He saw a group of three of them little children and one adult, walk to the sphere and walk through it.
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Replace that “of” with a comma, and add “an” between “one” and “adult”. Also, using the same verb twice in the same sentence is redundant, so take out the second one.
Yosh~ Fix those (and you can just edit your post, instead of posting again), and move on.
Sukray looks up to find a beautiful young girl standing over him. Have them converse, during which time the girl will point out the massive structure behind them (previously unnoticed by Sukray) and identify it as “the Dome”. She’ll explain what it is, and Sukray’s new role as a stutdent, whether he likes it or not. She’ll then identify herself as an attendant of the Dome (you can name her). Have her lead Sukray into the building and through a vast and complex series of rooms and corridors, describing them along the way. Eventually, they’ll stop at a metal door, with a doorknob in the shape of on owl’s head. Have Sukray enter, but
do not go beyond that. Do not describe anything on the other side.
The purpose of this lesson is to test your handle on speech and description. Let’s see some good adjectives and colorful dialog. 800 words minimum.