Alright, not bad. No spelling errors, but you need some help with your grammar. Oh, and try to remember to use "OoC" and "IC".
Quote:
|
Sukray walked into a huge temple, with a long glistening white marble, shining in the moonlight.
|
Two things here: comma usage and incompletion. First, you put in adjectives, but you left out whatever they were describing. I’m guessing a floor, though.
Second, when you list multiple adjectives, you need to separate them with commas. In this case you’d need one between “long” and “glistening white”. You only separate them adjectives
from each other, not from the object.
Quote:
|
As Sukray walked across it, he nearly slipped as his Angelic Armor was so smooth and could not stick to the floor.
|
Here, your form is a bit irregular. A comma would work much better than the “as” after “slipped”. Then, you can continue to improve it by taking out “was so” and replacing it with “too”, doing the same with “and could not” with “to”.
Quote:
|
He saw a huge statue of a massive woman, Sukray assumed she was some sort of goddess, wearing a long robe and holding a long staff.
|
Here, you have the subject (the statue) and it’s matching adjectives split. Move the second bolded part up before the bolded comma. Also, the second part of that phrase (Sukray assumed…) is not directly connected to the first (the statue), but directly pertains to it, meaning that bolded comma should be a semicolon.
Quote:
|
why am I here?..., wondered Sukray in thought.
|
Capitalize “why”. And when you have a thought of sentence that trails off in question, you put the question mark after the ellipsis. Also, “wondered” and “in thought” imply the same thing, so having both of them together is a bit redundant. And while it’s not quite wrong to follow thought or speech with Verb-Subject (wondered Sukray), it flows much better with Subject-Verb (Sukray wondered)--in
most cases.
Lastly, all thoughts, writing (as in a letter the character is reading), and interjecting sounds should be in italics.
(Just the thought, not the action of thinking it.)
Quote:
|
There was only walls and the statue.
|
“Was” should be “were”.
Quote:
|
He rushed through, slightly worried now. The doors seemed to open up to an endless corridor.
|
This part is confusing. What does he rush through? How do all of the doors open up to a single corridor? Elaborate.
Quote:
|
He ran, for what seemed like hours, but might have only been minutes, until he eventually reached another door. But it was huge, and seemed to be more like a gate.
|
That first comma is unnecessary, and should be removed. And “but” should also be removed, seeing as it doesn’t actually discount the door being a door. If that makes sense.
Quote:
|
He entered through and mouthed an 'o'.
|
This part is also confusing. Enter what? Obviously, when you re-read the last few sentences, you understand that you mean the gate-like door, but you shouldn’t have to. Elaborate so that the reader knows you mean the door.
Quote:
|
It looked like some sort of Grand Hall.
|
What did? Specify that the
room on the other side of the door is what looks like a Grand Hall.
Quote:
|
One had a forest, that looked never ending. Another was a huge mountain, Complete with snow, and many clouds floating around. He also saw many others, like desert terrain, and fields.
|
All bolded commas are unnecessary, and need to be removed. “Never-ending” should be hyphenated, and “complete”
uncapitalized.
Quote:
|
He seemed to be in the middle of no where. When he focused, he realized that the ‘creatures’ where actually humans, and other civilized animals. Though, he didn’t recognize them all.
|
“Nowhere” is one word. Turn that period between “animals” and “though” into a comma to connect the two parts. And the comma after “though” isn’t needed.
Quote:
|
He saw a group of four, three of them little children and one adult,
|
Rather than say he saw a group of four and then elaborate, simplify by just saying he saw a group of three children and one adult.
Quote:
|
walk to the sphere and walk through it.
|
Having “walk” twice in one sentence it redundant, so remove the second one.
Alright, fix those, and I'll give you your next lesson. And if you have any questions, feel free to ask me whatever you'd like, whether in here or through PM.