Blargh, you and your making-me-want-to-do-work ways... @_@
Let's begin, em-zee:
First, there's an issue with awkwardness:
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His claws made large grooves in the snow as he unwillingly loped on, painfully.
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The placement of "painfully" here isn't necessarily wrong, but it certainly ruins the flow of this otherwise solid sentence. I'd place the adverb elsewhere, or simply phrase it in another way. Here's two examples of how you could go about doing that:
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His claws made large grooves in the snow as he unwillingly loped on, in terrible pain.
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Of course, you can choose a better adjective than just "terrible", but you see the point here--you're rephrasing it so that you're not awkwardly using an adverb after a pause (the comma). Another option is simply moving the word:
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His claws made large grooves in the snow as he unwillingly and painfully loped on.
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Whichever way you prefer is fine--or you can simply come up with your own way. Just choose some way to correct the awkwardness. ;]
Another awkward bit here:
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He had strength, but not to the point where he was nearly ungodly.
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Again, nothing's really grammatically wrong with this, but if you read it to yourself the two words ending in "ly" one after another sound a little strange. I'd substitute "nearly" for the word "nigh".
Capitalization issue here:
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That was before the great incident with the greedy king; That's not the story that's set to tell, though
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A semicolon doesn't end a sentence--it merely continues it in a different manner than a comma or colon. Therefore, follow the ol' rule: unless you've ended with a period, question mark, or exclamation point (or it's a proper noun), don't capitalize.
This error repeats itself later on in the post, so make sure you find that one and fix it as well.
A missing word here:
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Ejnar stared up, almost hurting his neck with such, and stood up on his hind paws.
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It seems as if you're missing something after the bolded "such"--you need some word afterwards, like "effort", so that it reads as:
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Ejnar stared up, almost hurting his neck with such effort, and stood up on his hind paws.
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Read that aloud to yourself. Doesn't that seem to fill some sort of gap in the original?
An issue with tense here:
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It seemed to be a door. Ejnar looked to the left and right, and loped in, to whatever this strange place may be.
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The bolded word should be "might"--you're speaking in past tense here, so all your words must be in keeping with that. "May" is present tense.
Nitpicky thing here:
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He started to walk, keeping his guard up and looking around slowly as every step made a *CLACK* sound.
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The way you've used it actually does not look that bad, but we never use asterisks here in the BA. A way you can still keep the emphasis for this sound, however, is italics, so it looks like:
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He started to walk, keeping his guard up and looking around slowly as every step made a CLACK sound.
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And that's all for errors and nitpicks for this post. Awesome work! I was really impressed with how well-written this all was, and the errors were mostly of a stylistic and somewhat picky nature. I think you're ready to be taught by my character Cadenza Madrigal and begin to focus on those more stylistic/advanced aspects of writing now. :]
Once you've fixed up all the errors I've pointed out in this, I'll give you a new lesson as soon as I can.