Pretty creative. I like the suddenness of this post. Okay, your first post was supposed to be about X Vitros entering The Dome (you did it right, I'm just making a point), a place with no official structure. Meaning that it doesn’t have to be described in a certain way for it to be right. There can be as many versions of it as there are people in this world because everyone will look at it differently. Well, it’s better to imagine The Dome as the space in between the universes that writers invent. Like where they can connect. And there can be countless areas in The Dome that people can make up, so whatever place you describe within the Dome is just a part of it; not the entire setting itself. ‘Just restating stuff. So, in your first post, we can consider the woodland that X Vitros entered to be the portal in which he accessed this endless world. That was done good. And the structure that he entered, I imagine is a place in The Dome, right?

These places you describe basically belong to you. As the narrator, you can state anything about them. Even a little history, only if you want. But you can also choose to keep quiet about them for any reason you might think of, like making things a bit more suspenseful and such. If it’s your place, you’ve got control of it. The Dome belongs to no one in particular, but because you can make up any place within it, you can give it your own little twist. There are probably some little rules you have to abide by in the future, but for now you don’t have to worry about that.

So I remember in you first post that X Vitros was thinking about a battle he had lost. Is this what drove him to seek more strength and look for this rumored world? Try and somehow include things of his past that drive him to do what he does, and perhaps narrate them when necessary. Put yourself in his shoes, and think about when he would think about these things in the future. He seemed pretty bummed out about losing, so I’m sure it’ll bother him later on in the future. Don’t forget to implement these things again, because these feelings come back to people, right? But remember, you don’t have to include these thoughts in your next post. Do everything naturally, and it’ll look good.

Now, I think you should take a look at this thread if you haven’t already: Shrub’s Intermediate Class. You were supposed to complete Lesson 1 only, not Lesson 2, which deals with X Vitros confronting whatever creature is in the mirror room. Lesson 1 was supposed to be about him getting to that room. That’s okay, though. Mistakes happen. Oh, and about unfinished posts. Always include everything that a lesson requires in a single post, even if you haven’t finished it. Don’t double post, please. I’m glad you edited and added the rest of it today. You can always post a little bit and say you’re not done, and when you have the rest to post, you can post in the Homeroom to announce that you’ve added the rest of it, or just PM me. I won’t be mad at that. So, your next post should have to do with Lesson 2.

You have to take out the last few paragraphs about X Vitros confronting his dark side and just use that for Lesson 2.

Oh, notice that your character has to look for a certain door, so this kind of implies that you’ll have to be inside. Students usually picture it as a hallway or corridor containing many doors. It’s the easiest approach, I believe, so maybe have X Vitros go indoors when this little skirmish with the ogre is done. It doesn’t matter when it’s done, just make sure he gets into that mirror room somehow. Oh, and when you post a new lesson, always title it. Don’t move onto the next one until I say you can. Edit this post and title it Lesson 1 please.

When we are done with Lesson 1, you can start writing on Lesson 2, expanding on his confrontation with the bad X Vitros.

Now, I will analyze each paragraph. Text that is highlighted green means there’s a spelling or punctuation error. Text that is black means that it’s text I added that completes the sentence. Okay, your second-to-last sentence might be missing a little something. It’s a good observation, but you have to say who recognized that it was old. Like, after your last comma, say something like, “he could tell that it had not been used in years,” because X Vitros is there hearing the door squeak, and so he is the one that senses it’s old. Or, if you want to analyze it as the narrator, you can say something like, “it had probably not been used in years,” or, “it was obvious that it had not been used in years.” Complicated, yeah. Those are just the type of words you use when you make inferences. Now, your last sentence is telling what X Vitros is feeling, not so much showing. You claimed he was stunned, but try and describe a little how it showed that he was, after that sentence. Remember, you can use facial expressions and stuff. Anyone can be stunned by something, but never the same way. Put detail in reactions.

Okay, the second paragraph focuses on description of his surroundings. They are decent, but try to describe how big the place is. Make a comparison or estimate measurements. In the last sentence, that comma doesn’t seem fitting. Try and use another punctuation mark like a colon (:), or just separate the two clauses into two sentences. Judge by how strong the pause is.

Paragraph 3. If you claimed it wasn’t a floor, don’t use the word floor in the first sentence, but perhaps like ground or something. Or say something like, “below X Vitros....” Describe the pit of darkness a bit more to make it clearer. When he tried to activate his flying ability, maybe try and make up why he couldn’t use it. What did he feel in his body that prevented him from doing it? A feeling? A force? Was his focus messed up? Give a little detail about it. It seems important. By dought, you must mean doubt. Fix that up. Just add a before it because doubt is treated as a noun. Okay, when he makes these dangerous decisions, talk about what it feels like. When he put his foot on the pipe, did he have full balance? Did it hurt? Try and sometimes give a little insight about little things like that. They really bring your writing to life. That comma needs to be a period because it’s not related to the following dialogue. Also, start a new paragraph with that quotation. When you have more experience, try and give a tiny bit of detail of how he says things. There are many adverbs to do that.

Struggleing, as you spelt it, is spelled struggling. Kill the e.

With the fourth paragraph, also replace the first comma with a period because that sentence doesn’t relate to the quotation. If it would begin like, “He looked at the future pipes, smirking, and said,” then it would be related to the following dialogue.

Head shaped should have a single dash in between. That happens with stuff like “year-old,” where the noun comes first and then the adjective. Notice “head” is the noun, and “shaped” is the adjective. So, for example, eye shaped should be eye-shaped. After the word “doorknob,” replace the comma with a period. The two clauses are not related. “Pridiction,” as you spelt it, is spelled prediction. Now, describe how the next room was a corridor. What made it a corridor? Show that a little.

On the 5th paragraph, 3rd sentence, “eye’s” should be “eyes.” Describe the fountain a little more, like the color and size of it, and also how far it is from X Vitros. It’s a very noticeable and seemingly beautiful object, so you want to put a little emphasis on that. “Infront” should be “In front.”

On the next paragraph, you stated that there were forest animals of every kind. Try to put a limit on that. You know, something that you can handle describing.

Now, that ogre. I read X Vitros’ profile yesterday, and I realized he was pretty darn strong. I remember it well that it’s like improbable to sneak up on him, so the fact that it happens now is sort of ... strange, don’t you think? Especially with an ogre. Oh, by the way, you also have to give the ogre some description. Of things like size, appearance, and any equipment. Try to expand a little more on how it appeared, and how X Vitros wound up getting caught off guard. You can change it of course, just put detail. I want you to do a good job on that last part. Expand on things. Take your time.

When you are done fixing this stuff up, notify me so I can analyze the rest of Lesson 1.

__________________
::Saelius:: ::Nasstephan:: ::Narken::