You might have already found it strange that some weird dude has posted in your thread. Well, that just means that Shrub won't be directly teaching you. Unless that is an issue for you, I'll be teaching you from now on.

You can call me Fornues, or whatever you want. I'm a TA, which you may have noticed is mentioned on the front page of the Homeroom. Not legally a teacher in the Battle School, heh, but authorized by one of them. Treat me like any other user here: I'm nothing special. Now, just something I'd like to point out: try not to feel bummed about anything that I may correct or tell you isn't exactly right. I don't really consider this to be teaching, but rather, showing others what they might not realize they can accomplish. It all comes with experience. You probably know all this. The point is, everyone starts out somewhere, and as they gain experience, they get better. There's nothing wrong with that, and no-one should complain about the differences in skill.

Okay, so that's over with. This post will undoubtedly be longer than usual because of introductions and instructions--all that stuff. Okay, the next thing. Keep in mind that although it is called the Battle School, in this class you will not only focus on combat and such. Don't worry; there will be some skirmishes and physical activities in which your character will have to participate. But what Shrub is trying to do with her students is to get them to make it a tendency, or at least try to dive deep inside your characters' minds and expose their personalities through these situations. Tough and mellow ones.

Sure, a user in the Battle Arena can pull off a really good battle scene, but is that all the firepower that their styles possess? Chances are that it would be a much better read if you also focus on what your character is feeling while these things occur. Their personalities determine what actions they take, and what drives them to do the things they do. That's pretty amazing, and showing these things is very pleasing to reader. Developing a character is also vital for good, regular roleplays where combat is not the main factor.

Okay. Let's begin. A few general things to point out here. You've got some good potential at character development. We were pleased with that. I love how you include the thoughts of your character through mental dialogue, and through narration. Keep that up. Of course, it wouldn't hurt if you could do it more often. Now, by this I don't mean make your character say more things in his head than he would usually say. That wouldn't be natural, right? You can try narrating things he doesn't say in his head but might be thinking about (like you did on the first paragraph), or you can briefly write about things you may think are important to mention. Maybe comapring things he sees to something he remembers of his past? That's just an example--that's not absolutely necessary to do. You can do anything, just don't go overboard. Do what's necessary to get readers to know what his life is like.

But what you are lacking in is physical description. Your environmental description actually seems to be decent, but can be better. You can expand on more things if necessary, but actually not so much if your character won't be in that area for too long. You have to use your judgement. How much description will you devote to a certain setting? For example, would an open area your character will pass through be worth a lot of description? Not a lot, but give it a paragraph or so for your readers to realize notable objects, like if there are mountains in one direction or something, what the ground is like, the colors of things, the apparent time of day.... But what if it's someplace important to him, like his bedroom? Or a place sacred to him? That's maybe someplace you'd want your readers to picture just like you do. Through Vitros' eyes. You might want to give good descriptions of things that are important.

Especially X Vitros himself. Try and include more description of him. Particularly his facial expressions. They tell a lot about your character. You don't have to go crazy and describe every step, but give a little info of his body when it's necessary. We tremble when we're afraid, we have reactions to many things. If they're noticeable, mention them. Works really nice especially when emotions are displayed. The trick is trying to balance all of these things out. Too little of something can confuse readers. Give as much information as you can, but to a reasonable degree. Don't die writing.

Your grammar is pretty good. Except for some errors which I'll have you correct in a few. Oh, and I noticed you used the word warrior to describe X Vitros ... kind of too often. Try being more diverse with your word choice. It messes up your post if you use the same word over and over. And it really makes the reader realize he's ... reading. Keep in mind that it's not always necessary to use a fancy word in place of his name, but don't always use his name or common words like the pronuon, he. The point is to make it sound smooth and natural. You'll figure it out. Just don't be excessive and repetitive. Powerful words lose strength if they're repeated over and over.

Okay, I'l only get into notable errors because I don't want to throw so much at you in one post. We'll get to fixing up sentences and all that jazz later on. Merge them. It's a word. Overlooked. I'll just point out that this sentence is incomplete. Well, it doesn't make sense. If it's there because it connects to the 2nd sentence after it, try and connect those two. The comma there should be replaced by a semicolon. (;) Separates sentences like that. When you read it out loud, you can notice the slight pause there that is stronger than a comma, but weaker than a period. Since the two clauses are related to each other, a period is not necessary. Now, take out he decided, and listen to how it sounds: "He decided to take action; to go in search of the battle school, The Dome." You treat mental dialogue as ... dialogue. So, replace that period with a comma, and make The, and He lower-case. Keep this in mind.

15-year old should be something like 15-year-old.
Careful with then and than. Careful. You're not talking about The Dome, but an object. A dome. It's not a place or a name, so it shouldn't be capitalized.

And this one, located on the last paragraph: Watch it there. Replace the period with a comma, and take out the comma outside of the quotation mark. If you're not done with the sentence after a quotation, never use a period. If you are concluding a sentence with a quotation, you can use a period.

Also, when new dialogue is used, you must always start a new paragraph, unless it's by the same person.

Okay, I think that's enough for today. Always revise. Never be too eager to post something, and puh-lease save your stuff on your hard drive. Okay, if you can fix your post up a little, you can move onto your next lesson. Remember the things I told you at the beginning, about description and all that stuff. It'd be cool if you could fix up your post a bit in that sense too, although it's not entirely necessary. At least until your next post.

You belong in the Intermediate class for now. My character will appear later on when I indicate. He's not ready just yet, so his name and profile will be revealed to you a bit later.

Welcome.

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::Saelius:: ::Nasstephan:: ::Narken::