Quote:
Originally Posted by Shade Die Margrave
I was running on an empty tank. Pulled roadside, lighting a scene lined in loose yellow tape. There were some sons and daughters on the prowl, teeth BIBLE-BLACK and their lips a-howl. Thought I was lost but found the stick-shift, tried to reverse but they were coming real SWIFTLY. Underhandedly, I wondered if I could take them SOUTHBOUND. Flickering in and out of vision, they diffused into modern ART. An urban corpse wreathing me, the spectral violence ensnaring shapes in the DARK. No need to understand, they said, just take my HAND. A regime of bought-and-sold soldiers forced me inside. They tried to cross me over, action without THOUGHT. Earlier on this bleeding, brooding day, you'd lain with me, in the RAIN. I had said, I think God is losing his touch. You moved away. In this stream of action and reaction, how does preternatural come into play? With questions to force open black holes in the supermassive, I LAUGHED until the sun came up. How would the world come to FIRE? Bring it on.
This is a remnant of my seething ashes.
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:glare
Where was I? Ahh right.
Ohh well the imagery is good, you seem to have a clear vision of what you are trying to get across. However you stumble a few times, you have the skill but not the vocabulary. Overall I think you've laid it out quite well, it reads fine but... and this is just a slight observation here, you are trying FAR to hard to be abstract.
Right to the point where you have lost the original meaning.