First of all, I commend you for joining me in the boat of people who post non-Zelda fics on this site. There's too few of them.
Well, first and foremost, I'm gonna have to agree with Sekal on several points. It was, as was said, rather short. I speak of the prologue mostly here--why not describe their surroundings a bit? Describe the vicious glares in their eyes, or perhaps add in just a little more dialogue. For what you want to accomplish with this prologue, I can see that it's not going to be very long regardless. But that doesn't mean it couldn't use a little more.
Agreeing with Sekal again, the characters could use some more flare. I learned the hard way that main characters are developed the most in the beginning of the story, so it's crucial that you show a bit of insight to your main characters. What are some of their quirks? What makes them
them, and not someone else? All of these things should constantly be being applied--it'll add to your overall length too. And during breaks, such as:
Quote:
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After about ten minutes Roian stopped chasing them. He laughed and then turned down a street and ended up at the town center. People were setting up tents around a large tree in the center of the courtyard. Roian walked through the groups of people. Everyone greeted him as he walked past. Eventually he ended up at the tree.
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Use these breaks to enrich Roain's character. Don't
tell us what happens, and how it happens,
show us. How does Roain reply to people greeting him? Is he outgoing and replies with a boisterous cry, or is he shy and keeps to himself as he walks? Think of all of these things when using your characters.
And about the 'festival' thing--very creative, but give a little more insight to it. And to the characters. And to the village in general. (I'm trying so hard not to quote Sekal. XDD) What you did to explain the festival is a very basic strategy, but also very... oh, how should I put it, 'cheap'. In other words, it works, but could have been done better.
Quote:
“Don’t take the festival so lightly.” Neina said. “The Summer Solstice is the most important time of the year for this village. It’s when the souls of the dead…”
“I know. It’s when the souls of the dead come to visit us and this world and the next become one. I’ve heard it a thousand times.”
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Sure, this is a valid way to introduce it, but stop before you go on to introduce the two boys. Give some continuity--spark a conversation. How would Neina react to such a smart comment? Again, anything you can do to develop your characters, do so. ^^
Also, I wanted to add in that you're making a pesky little grammar mistake that most authors do in their early careers.
Quote:
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“You all know what to do.” said a dark voice from under one of the hoods. “Don’t fail me.”
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Instead of a period after "do", there should be a comma. Why, you ask? The quote and the following sentence describing who is speaking is together one sentence. So, it SHOULD be:
"You all know what to do," said a dark voice from under one of the hoods.
And if you cut the quote in two with the phrase describing who is speaking, you add a comma at the other end, too. For instance, if the quote is "Yeah, I'll do that, and I'll do it well", and you cut in half, it would be done like this:
"Yeah, I'll do that
," he said
, "
and I'll do it well."
Note the bolded parts. Since it's all one sentence, you add a comma at the end of the first part, and after the phrase describing who's speaking, and you don't have to capitalize the beginning of the next quote. That's only if the quote is one sentence, though.
But really, all in all this looks to be a good tale. I hope I don't come off as harping, as I really am only trying to help. ^^;; And one last thing: A spell check can never hurt.
I look forward to more.