Thread: Kuro Mitsukai
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Old 09-10-2006, 08:48 PM
Ranarath Ranarath is a female United States Ranarath is offline
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Join Date: Aug 2005
Location: Alchemilla Hospital, Silent Hill
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Re: Kuro Mitsukai

Okay, not bad but there are couple of things that need work.

First off, it’s okay that his age is unknown but please put what age he looks like. Does he appear to be in his 20s or 80s?

You need to expand the appearance section greatly. What kind of clothes does he wear? Does he have any scars or strange markings? Is he usually smiling or frowning? Various things like that.

You need to add a downside or two to Arashi and Hellbender. Right now, those attacks are far too powerful.

The personality sections needs to be expanded, also. You’ve probably noticed that no one acts the same, regardless of whether they are normal or not. Is it easy to make him laugh at a joke or does he like to tell his own? Perhaps it’s rather easy to make him angry. Does he get frightened by something? Is it easy to make friends with him?

Expand the bio, as well. How exactly does he go about cleansing hell of sin? How long did this battle last? How did Kuro suddenly get caught between the two sides? Did he know he was the target of this demonic lord? In the last paragraph, you suddenly mention his family. Who is his family? Is it a normal human family or an angelic one? What kind of school does his brothers go to and why doesn’t he go with them?

Fix these things and I’ll have another look at him. If you need some examples, feel free to look at my characters or other approved characters to get some more ideas.
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