Random Piece of work

Here's a thread I submitted a while ago. In retrospect, it was probably more appropriate in the writing section, so I'm giving it another go. I made subtle alterations, but it is mostly unchanged from the original. It is a work of satire/humor in the same vein as Maddox or Gamecube Guy. It is my first piece of this type. I had a random inspiration to write something like this, and I thought the topic was silly enough to work well. All things considered, I wrote this in less than an hour, and I think it pretty good. Could be better. Could be worse. Could've added more pictures.

For the less bright out there, yes, this article is a reflection of my real opinions, no, the scenarios aren't real (except for the porn part.)

An Issue of Utmost Importance

Some things are just not right in the world. Violence in the Middle East. Drugs in Schools. World hunger. Violent video games . . .

But there is one issue that eclipses all others. A personal tragedy that I hold near and dear. A force so malevolent as to put my well-being in jeopardy, sour my outlook on life, and drop my standard of living at least two slots. Not a terminal illness, the loss of a parent's job, nor even my raging hormones. If only those were the case . . .

It all started a while back. I was just sitting at the table enjoying a box of Reese's Puffs Cereal, but something didn't feel right. I felt empty on the inside. What? What was wrong? It's like my soul had been raped. A part of me was missing . . .

This began to occur every day. I was graced with this "presence" at the table every single morning. As someone who had always loved their breakfast, maybe even considered it the best part of the day, I was confused. Was I being possessed by demons? Had Satan himself manifested within me? Or had I finally hit puberty?

Well, I wanted an answer and so feverishly sought one. Hours upon hours of internet research ("hours" is intended to read "minutes", "research" is read "porn") yielded no results. Using my parent's credit cards, I recruited a team of Ivy School graduates to assist me in this endeavor. I enrolled myself in several health and spirtitual related groups, popped some pills, and *gulp* shopped at Out Post. I mean, I was dedicated. Joy had been stripped from my life, and I wasn't going to be slapped around by "the forces that be" without a fight. Hell, I even went after the world renowned Dr. House. Despite his best efforts, cliched cynacism, and more dry humor than you could shake a stick at, not even this medical legend/genius could diagnose me. Solid guy, though.

Anway, had all hope been lost? I had slid into severe depression. My grades were slipping, my friends looked at me different, and my health was rapidly deteriorating. I would avoid the breakfast table. The mere sight of it sent chills down my spine. I had hit rock bottom.

Then one day I was sitting on the couch in my pajamas, watching sappy old romance movies, and eating potato chips and pizza in typical down and out fashion, when a commercial for Honey Nut Cheerios reared its ugly head. I sat paralyzed with fear. In retrospect, I must thank God for that moment . . . Not able to turn away, I caught sight of something . . . an observation that may have saved my life.


The Seal of Death

That was it! That was the source of all my anguish. A wretched little insignia that will one day be mentioned in the same breadth as a swastika, bio-hazard symbol, or that annoying little box that pops up and tells you "this program has performed an illegal operation and must be shut down".

What did this revelation do for me? Well, first of all, I found solace in the fact that the blame was not within me or my taste buds, but to be placed squarely on the heartless nazis of corporate America. Namely, General Mills. Secondly, while I was able to partially restore order in my life by boycotting their products, I refused to face the cold, hard fact that I will never again be able to savor the savory taste of GM cereals. And to think I used to consider breakfast a hobby . . . which brings us to my

Top 5 Cereals GM Killed

1.
2.
3.
4.
5.

"Cocoa Puffs barely edges out Trix for the wild card. They will play the heavily favored Reeses Puffs in next week's opener" . . .

But honestly, the point is moot, because, conceivably, every single GM cereal belongs on that list. A travesty of this calibur has not been seen since the advent of Wind Waker.

Now I don't know about you, but I find there to be two types of cereal eating. Eating for energy, and eating for a snack. Take a gander at my list . . . those are CANDY cereals. Whole grain has no place in them! They're still unhealthy, and now they don't even taste good. The taste of these cereals is best described as mildly bland. The texture is absolutely dispicable. You can literly feel the whole grains disolving on your tongue. See, I only want whole grain in cereals where it makes sense, where it fits, and where it doesn't taste like ****. Like wheaties. Or maybe the original cheerios. Those are the cereals I eat for energy.

What can we do about this? I say we stick it to the man. I'm calling for an all-out boycott on GM cereals, save for Wheaties and Cheerios. It's in your best interest anyway. Flood their inboxes with e-mail, send them angry letters, and construct online petitions. Remember, these things always work.

Sacrifices will have to be made. We need to utilize alternative fuel sources. I recommend Captain Crunch, Apple Jacks, Corn Pops, and maybe Cocoa Crispies. Anything Post or Kellogs is fair game, but stay the hell away from GM, or you will be greeted by my assassins.

Together, we can work to better the world. So get out there and vote for taste!

Geez people. Shiek 84 writes the most original piece in this Misc. Forum recently and no one even comments on it? For shame, all ye internet peoples. For shame.

I thought your work was pretty good, Shiek. My favorite line was definitely:

Well, I wanted an answer and so feverishly sought one. Hours upon hours of internet research ("hours" is intended to read "minutes", "research" is read "porn") yielded no results.

As far as the style and whatnot, I thought you did a good job. A little more formal (language-wise) than I would've gone, but that's just me. I did kinda like the more formal approach for a silly topic like this.

My main criticism is that I didn't like the picture. Just sticking a WTF!!!111 on it seemed a bit lazy to me. But whatever. I'm nitpicking now.

Anyway, good job, Shiek. *thumbs up*

Thanks for commenting.

Yeah, the picture was lazy. It was done in Microsoft Word and I didn't feel like putting time into creating something of a higher quality (both in creativity and actual image quality). Graphic design in general is not a strength of mine. Also, as I said before, I think I probably could've used more pictures, but sense I don't even have photoshop, eh . . .

I liked it. I was instantly reminded of your sig. The Daily Show inspired you didn't it? It has Daily Show written all over it (yes, words themelves can have things written on them). I liked it, but like the Daily Show (and politics in general), I didn't understand much of the humor or subject. Good cerials taste bad due to whole grain? That's the basic point right?

I read that thread!!!
And I really liked it!!! It was funny
Just keep on writing those stuff, I'll read...