Fortunately, STLOcarina was nice enough to send me their full Zelda ocarina lineup. Let’s see if I’m nice enough to give them the thumbs up.

Video Review

You’ve Found the Ocarina!

Ah, the Ocarina of Time. Lookin' good!

Of course, the first ocarina I’m sure you’ll want to know about is STL’s Ocarina of Time replica. I’m not going to focus on this as much – it’s similar enough to Songbird Ocarinas’s version that you can check out my review of that and get a good feel for how it performs and works. There are a few key differences from Songbird’s version, of course:

• The coating of paint is super-smooth, without a brush stroke in sight.
• The color of paint is also significantly darker and cooler (more green).
• The two small half-step holes are in slightly different locations.
• The mouthpiece is longer on STL’s ocarina.

STLOcarina's and Songbird's Replica Ocarinas

I’ve found that STL’s ocarina is much more difficult to control than Songbird’s. It’s easier to go very sharp or very flat with STL’s model. For someone more experienced with an ocarina, you could potentially use it to avoid moving your fingers around as much. But it will just give a beginner a lot of frustration.

I also find the longer mouthpiece ugly and awkward to use. This is my personal take on the design, of course, and I know that the longer mouthpiece is closer to the Ocarina of Time’s official design from Nintendo. That said, I also fault Nintendo’s design of the ocarina. Songbird’s mouthpiece is smooth and small and its size made sense to me – STL’s is so gargantuan that it almost gets in the way of playing the instrument.

I was also disappointed that STLOcarina’s version simply used a golden strip of tape to make the golden ring around the mouthpiece. While the Triforce is embossed, it’s not embossed nearly enough, and the line where the tape begins and ends is clearly visible.

The price between this and Songbird’s ocarina are one and the same, so it’s all your personal preference to pick which you like most. I prefer Songbird’s because it’s a bit more comfortable and I enjoy the smaller mouthpiece; you may prefer the larger mouthpiece and better dynamic range of STL’s.

That said, the instrument performs as it should, so I’ll stop talking about it here and focus on the real stars of this review…

Cutting the Grass

From left to right: 1 Rupee, 20 Rupees, and 1 American Rupee

In any Zelda game, you receive rupees when you cut down grass. Though they’ve always varied in size – some the size of Link’s pink finger, other the size of his full hand – I never imagined I’d be playing one of them as an instrument. These rupee ocarinas feel like they just popped out of the ground.

I mean that in two ways: They’re incredibly well-made and have the same smooth coat of glaze that STL’s Ocarina of Time replica has, and they’re so new to me that I have no idea how to play them properly. The Ocarina of Time replicas are usually a breeze to jump into, because to play them requires only knowledge of where notes are in a major scale.

But the rupee ocarinas are six-hole ocarinas, not twelve. So you only have half the number of holes to play what you want, meaning there becomes quite a lot of fumbling around. Even with STL’s nice provided guides to playing each note in a scale, it’s a challenge. And STL is gracious in the materials they provide to help new users become adjusted to playing six-hole ocarinas.

When you open the box – and after being bombarded with more packing peanuts than you can imagine – you’ll invariably notice how it looks. STLOcarina’s glazing philosophy is a bit different than Songbird’s, and results in a much different construction. STL’s policy is to throw away any ocarinas that show brush strokes or defections in the glazing, so each ocarina you get will be the same, perfectly-smooth surface.

The strangest thing was to find out that these perfectly-smooth surfaces are all painted by hand. I was so sure they had been machined when I got them; I would have bet money on the fact. Nevertheless, the flawless coating is cool and shiny, making these rupees look great.

But like all instruments, it’s not about how they look – it’s about how they play. So, how do these sound?

The Sound of Rupee Music

As my music professor would say, “Those aren’t good for chromatics.” Actually, he did say that, and in specific reference to the rupee ocarinas. I don’t believe he said that because half-steps can’t be on pitch with these instruments, but rather because you need to hunt for all the hole configurations.

This sheet of paper helps... a bit.

I can’t fault this to the ocarina, however – all six-hole ocarinas function this way. Which is why my music professor would take a look at it and make the blanket statement he did. Not to mention that wearing a little green rupee around your neck attracts a lot of attention.

Nevertheless, these little instruments sound great – arguably better than the Ocarina of Time replica. The hole placement is perfect and I had no trouble controlling pitch or moving my fingers around to do so.

Both the large and small ocarinas are meant to play in the key of C (their lowest note should be a C). While this was true of the smaller soprano ocarina, my tenor rupee ocarina started at a D – so I was playing in the key of D the whole time. Sure, with dynamic range I could start at Db, but it was a little disconcerting to hear it start at D when I expected a C. In choir, being a whole-step sharp gets you some strange looks. In an instrument, I can only expect that it’s wholly unacceptable, especially since you can’t tune an ocarina after it’s been made.

That said, it still sounds good – it’s just not in the right key. Honestly, after a while it didn’t bother me, since I’m not exactly playing this in an ensemble, and I doubt any of you are either. So, your most favorite Zelda songs will either sound a whole-step higher, or you’ll figure out the fingering to finagle the correct pitches. No big deal. But once you get it, make no mistake – these instruments sound great and dynamic range is easy to control.

The Final Verdict: Yea or Nay?

To buy or not to buy? That depends largely on your change-hunting skills.

They sound good, they look good – and they’re ocarinas, for Pete’s sake – like all other ocarinas, I expected to be writing this section declaring that they’re a fortune to purchase and that only the most enthusiastic hobbyist should pick one of these up.

Unfortunately, I don’t get to write that. These rupee ocarinas don’t just look and sound great, they’re also dirt cheap. You could afford these by literally running out into your yard and cutting grass down (try it; you’ll make your parents happy and feel a little bit like Link).

The large tenor rupee is $22, and the small soprano rupee is $11. Let me repeat that: $22 and $11.

At a price like that, I see no reason not to snag one and just give it a shot. It makes these ocarinas the most affordable Zelda replicas on the market and, at their quality level, I was honestly a bit taken aback by the price. They’re fun to carry around, and fun to play – especially the soprano ocarina, which will fit anywhere for sure.

In fact, you could pick up both of these for the price of a single six-hole ocarina at other stores. So if you’re on the fence about tossing out a benjamin on an Ocarina of Time replica from Songbird or STL, these rupee ocarinas make a wonderful point of entry into ocarina owning and playing. Although they’re a little more convoluted to play than the twelve-hole Ocarina of Time replicas, time will lend you aid in learning to play.

All of these ocarinas are available directly from STLOcarina’s online store.

Other Stuff in the Box

Four songbooks with ocarina-specific tablature are available

On top of the ocarinas, I also received several songbooks. These are clearly intended for beginners and offer number-based notation for certain songs. Being able to read traditional sheet music, I was really confused by the notation and wished they had provided some more normal music. However, I can see how a beginner would benefit, since reading normal sheet music is also confusing until you figure it out.

The four songbooks I have include:

1. Zelda Songs for Ocarina
2. Zelda Songs from the Twilight Princess for Ocarina
3. Songs from Final Fantasy for Ocarina
4. The Art of Ocarina

Each include the same notation, and the Zelda booklets are what we really care about here. So, I’ll say it: Why the heck didn’t STL provide the Windfall Island music? That was the one song I wanted to play! Case in point: The books offer pretty much every Zelda song of note worth playing, except Windfall Island.

Last but not least: We’re holding a Giveaway!

Thanks to STLOcarina’s supreme generosity, they are providing ZU with enough ocarinas to fill a truck with. Or enough for two prize winners. That’s about the same. So, we’re starting a new Bank of Hyrule contest!

You can find out about the prizes (obviously ocarinas and sheet music) here.

We encourage everyone to enter for their shot at winning some ocarinas and sheet music. Good luck to all!

Ahh, fresh manga.

It seems Viz decided to answer my call from before, and it wasn’t long before the recently released Ocarina of Time manga appeared at my doorstep to review. Previously, these volumes were only available in Japanese, or “scanlated” by diehard fans, but were finally brought to the US near the end of 2008. As someone who heavily reads manga, I’ve always been skeptical about a manga series based off of a video game series, especially one as renowned as The Legend of Zelda. My perception of such things has always been skewed; they’ll either be really great, or terribly abysmal. My greatest fear was that the Ocarina of Time manga might cross the border into fan fiction territory – and did I really want to see that?

Yet, knowing this, I opened the books and read them entirely. Did the artists and story-makers who created this properly give homage to Ocarina of Time, or is this manga just another steaming pile of ink?

The Question of Length

Before I say anything, let me iterate: The series is short. this manga condenses the entire story of Ocarina of Time into two standard-sized volumes of manga. If you’re like me, and read copious amounts of manga and/or comics, you’ll fly through this entire series in one sitting. That certainly has its drawbacks, as it means a good chuck of information is left out. However, the length also helps the series tell its tale in the most proper manner.

For example, when I began reading I first wondered how the manga would pull off making Link’s dungeon treks interesting. The answer was simple: It doesn’t. The manga avoids dungeon situations entirely – as soon as Link steps through the entrance he encounters the boss, which is often a two-page battle consisting of some excellently drawn action scenes.

And yet, this format never feels like enough. Although the manga spans two volumes, only about three quarters of the second volume is telling the story of Ocarina of Time – the remaining pages are filled with non-canon stories that take place during Ocarina of Time’s time-frame. By the time you’re finished with those, you’re presented with a notice that the series continues in the Majora’s Mask manga, which I can only gather must be equally as short.

Of course, short doesn’t mean bad – on the contrary, if there was ever an example to show of quality over quantity, the Ocarina of Time manga sure fits. I could have sworn while reading this that the artists must have been doing work for Nintendo directly (let’s ignore that the artists were contacted by Nintendo to create the manga). The character artwork in the manga series matches the Ocarina of Time game artwork not only well, but perfectly.

A Talking Hero

Yes, Link speaks, and thankfully in mostly good taste. As early as the third page, Link’s mouth is open and moving to the tune of a voice we’re all not used to hearing (or reading). In the video game series, Link is always a silent protagonist, and his emotions are largely up to interpretation by the player during gameplay. In fact, the player’s emotions are so imposed upon Link that it creates the impression that the player is Link, which has always been the beauty of the Zelda series. However, this method of conveying emotion and depth only works so long as the player and Link were not synonymous. It comes as no surprise that the authors had to find a way to circumvent creating a manga where the main character had not a single line of dialogue – and so they gave it to him.

Most of the dialogue is tame and moves the story forward, but every so often you’ll find a quip, sometimes placed where you wouldn’t expect it – or want it. When Link learns that the Goron tribe is starving to death, he makes a quip that a young Goron should venture into the dangerous cave with him, because he’s “starving to death anyway!” These types of small, almost chibi-like panels are common in manga, but they’ve never felt more inappropriate than in this book. They’re all over the place, popping up every few pages. Perhaps they only overwhelmed me because Link is the person speaking, and from all the Zelda I’ve played, and from my own personal perception of Link’s character, I don’t expect him to have such a dry sense of humor – or really much humor at all.

When more somber, the the phrases Link spouts are needlessly clichéd shonen mainstays. Link has to protect someone, he has to become stronger, there’s destiny involved that traces back to his lineage – at some point you start wondering if the manga is following some written formula. That said, this kind of practice is also not unique to the Ocarina of Time manga; although I’m no connoisseur, much of the manga I’ve read has either stuck to this sort of traditional machismo style or mocked it entirely. We can group the Ocarina of Time manga into the former category – which means if you’re going to read this manga, be prepared to pass by a few panels where you wish Link had been heroic in a more creative manner.

Fire the Non-Canons!

As I mentioned earlier, what follows the retelling of Ocarina of Time are two non-canon, more creative stories about Link’s adventures within the Ocarina of Time time-frame. Although I said I feared that the manga would “degrade” into fan fiction, this is nothing of the sort – rather, they are short stories that gracefully don’t tamper with the canon of Ocarina of Time. The first story takes place during Link’s childhood, and deals with the evil “Baga Tree” deep within the Lost Woods. The second, much longer tale is of a small Watarara boy named Rouru. The entire race of the Watarara, a Rito-like clan of bird-human hybrids, was fabricated specifically for this story.

Rouru of the Watarara Tribe

It’s plain to see that these creatively developed stories have better pacing than the retelling of Ocarina of Time. I’m wondering if it was only for the ability to draw these non-canon events that the artists undertook the task of creating these books. Given creative liberty, and not strung to a storyline set in stone, the artists created pieces that flow naturally from start to finish. While Ocarina of Time’s portion of the manga feels rushed, these short tales are just as long as they need to be.

Perhaps the most talked-about non-canon story is of Rouru and the Watarara tribe, specifically their relation to the Rito. It may be that the Rito were inspired by the Watarara, as the Ocarina of Time manga was originally released in Japan in 1998 – long before the time of The Wind Waker. The similarities between the races are more than uncanny, from living in the mountains to having to earn their wings as a coming-of-age ritual. The authors and artists, with the Watarara, were clearly ahead of their time, and it would be interested to hear if Nintendo was, in fact, inspired by these drawings to create the Rito race. For this story alone it might be worth picking up the manga, if you’re curious to see one artist’s interesting twist on Zelda’s many races.

Let’s Wrap it Up

Each volume of the Ocarina of Time manga is priced at $7.99 – slightly cheaper than most manga volumes. So, is the Ocarina of Time manga worth your cash? The original manga came out way back in 1998 – you might have already read some scanlations online. But with the Oracle of Seasons and Ages manga upon us, it’s time to consider whether or not you want to shell out the money for the official releases to get yourself up to snuff on the series. Make no mistake, the Ocarina of Time manga is beautifully drawn and executed with skill, and is an excellent example of the quality over quantity principle. However, I guarantee by the end of it you’ll wish there were more – which might be its biggest fault. The two volumes alone don’t pack enough inside them to convey the entire story of Ocarina of Time to its fullest, and the message that the series continues in the Majora’s Mask manga feels like it comes too soon.

However, if you’re looking for a quick read, and really love manga, this was made for you. It dispersed my initial fears of the manga becoming fan-fiction halfway through, though it can’t be called canon information by any stretch of the imagination. VizKids has pulled off this manga adaptation quite well, and I look forward to seeing what they create in the future – especially their non-canon stories.

You can find VizKid’s Ocarina of Time manga (both volumes) from Amazon.com (Volume 1 / Volume 2), or wherever manga is sold near you.

Everything inside the box.

The OoT Ocarina comes with two components: the ocarina itself, and a thin song booklet filled with information and special ocarina notation for a plethora of Zelda songs. No case is provided, though some sort of free, simple holster would have been nice. It’s difficult to find a spot to keep a glazed ceramic instrument.

The first thing to notice about Songbird Ocarina’s new replica is that it’s finally game-accurate. For the first time ever, the ocarina maker is putting out an instrument that actually replicates the Ocarina of Time, down to the golden ring on the mouthpiece, and to an extent the placement of the holes. Songbird Ocarina’s previous replicas were simply blue transverse (or “sweet potato”) ocarinas with a Triforce painted onto the mouthpiece; those also only had four holes.

So, it’s safe to say that this is their most complete replica ever produced – and it looks the part. The entire instrument is hand-crafted, but is done so with excellent precision and skill. I expected the ocarina to be lightweight, hence more fragile, and possibly slightly misshapen from the photos on their website. However, what I got was a rock-solid ceramic instrument that looked almost too beautiful to touch. The glaze makes this ocarina shinier than an Apple product; I was constantly polishing it to get rid of fingerprints in order to keep the instrument looking nice and new.

That said, I do that for most shiny objects. Call it OCD, or whatever you will. However, I’m glad that arguably the most popular OoT-replica producing company has added the shiny golden rim to the mouthpiece, even if it gives me something to polish.

More Holes, Less Difficulty

The entire layout of this ocarina differs from its brethren, who only have four holes as opposed to twelve. I’m partial to the twelve-hole design over the four-hole design – I find using four holes to produce an entire scale of music is rather convoluted. With ten holes on its front, the new OoT Ocarina allows the player to own one hole per note and manipulate sharps and flats with ease using two smaller holes.

I should point out why this layout is so easy to use – how can more holes be simpler? It took me a while to notice this – and in face it had to be pointed out to me – that the twelve-hole layout is very close to that of a standard recorder. The ocarina, however, is held horizontally like a flute. The end result of this combination? If you learned how to play a recorder when you were a little kid, and have the ability to rotate your thinking to playing a recorder sideways as a flute, then you’ll have absolutely no trouble picking up this instrument and playing any song you know.

I find that the above comparison is important – once that clicked, I no longer needed any instruction on how to play this ocarina. The songbook, while full of information and music, became utterly useless to me; everything was so straightforward that I could pick up how to play most songs by ear on my first try.

That said, I’m a very musical person, and I usually learn how to play instruments by ear. When I reviewed Smule’s iPhone Ocarina application, I also didn’t use any of their online tutorials. The less musical among us will find solace in the provided song booklet, which shows the player which holes to cover to play certain notes. As derogatory as this sounds, the song book is essentially dumbed-down sheet music, which makes it a great resource for beginners or the less musically-inclined.

Using the Song Booklet and Playing Music

If you’re just beginning to learn musical instruments, you’ll certainly be enticed by the song booklet that comes with the OoT Ocarina. The songbook itself is full of music from the Zelda series, spanning generations from the intro theme to Ocarina of Time to music straight from Twilight Princess. Each note in the booklet is presented as an illustration of an ocarina with certain holes darkened, signifying finger placements. However, that’s about all the notation provided – it’s up to the player to determine the tempo he or she likes best.

I found this frustrating while trying to read the music. Because no tempo is set, the spacing between notes is not clear in the booklet. I tried to learn to play Saria’s Song using the booklet’s notation, but the odd gaps in between the notes didn’t signify to me how long to hold a note. While I realize that this kind of sheet music is intended for an audience that already knows the songs by memory, I can only imagine how confusing it must be to beginners.

That said, once you’ve figured out how the notation works, you’ll find you’re playing notes correctly (and hopefully in the right order). As I said before, the booklet is only great for real beginners; if you’ve ever played any musical instrument at all, you can pick up how to play this ocarina within a day and ignore the song booklet – you’ll probably learn music faster that way.

You’ll notice after playing a while that your fingers might hurt a bit. I’m not sure if it’s my fault for holding the ocarina wrong, or if the ocarina just isn’t as ergonomic as it could have been. I’m under the impression right now that, while playing, the pinky hole for the right hand is meant to always be covered unless one needs to play higher notes. After playing for a few minutes, my pinky always cramped up. I did play around with finger placements quite a bit and found this to be the best placement for me – I’m sure others hold their ocarina differently.

As with a recorder, the holes must be completely covered when playing. This is what takes the most practice – I still slip up and move my thumbs. The instrument itself is naturally about a quarter-step sharp (says my tuner), so accidentally opening up holes really messes up the situation and skews the tone of whatever you might be playing. As I practiced, I became much more adept at covering up the holes – but I did have to practice, and so will you.

There are other quirks to playing an ocarina that make it similar to the recorder, such as the dynamic range of pitches. Depending on how hard or soft you blow into the mouthpiece, you can raise or lower the pitch by a half-step. These sorts of quirks make the instrument much more interesting to play, and I’m sure I haven’t discovered half of all the techniques that go into playing an ocarina, which will make this instrument entertaining for a long time.

Worth the cash?

The OoT Ocarina sells for $99.95, a pretty penny if you’re not working or are saving up for other purchases. I’ve always envied Songbird Ocarina’s instruments, in a way, because I could never afford them – or could never justify the purchase of such an expensive instrument. Their newest instrument only takes this price point higher, but at the same time raises the bar for replica ocarinas.

If I had a spare hundred smackers, I might have decided to spend it on this instrument. I can imagine that somebody unfamiliar with purchasing musical instruments might not understand why the cost is so high, but $100 for a precision-crafted musical instrument is actually a reasonable asking price. Of course, I found that I mostly played this instrument for fun. Although the OoT Ocarina is incredibly well-crafted and sounds beautiful, you might not be inclined to spend that much money just to play “for fun.” However, that’s speaking as a musician, and not as a Zelda fan – my inner Zelda nerd can’t get over how great this ocarina looks, and if you’ve been after an ocarina that actually looks like the Ocarina of Time for the last decade, you’ve finally found it.

Pros:

• Excellent construction
• Hand-painted, and in the right colors!
• Incredibly easy to play
• Sound is pitch-perfect
• Most accurate replica to date
• Increases your nerd cred

Cons:

• Doesn’t come with any holster or case
• Not very ergonomic; fingers might hurt after a while
• $99 price tag is steep, but reasonable

If you want to buy the ocarina, all you need to do is head to Songbird Ocarinas’ website.

I’ll leave you all with two songs I tried playing on the OoT Ocarina – whether or not they’re played well is your judgment, though don’t be too harsh! I’ve only had this ocarina for a few days, and it’s mostly been played for fun. I can imagine this would sound great if I took the time to record several tracks on top of one another, but until that day…

Yes, we do book reviews. Are you listening, Viz, publisher of The Legend of Zelda manga?

The PhD-packing conglomerates have a lot to say about existentialism, but can they prove they’ve gotten their doctorates in Zelda theorizing?

The Legend of Zelda and Philosophy is an odd book to write about, because although I see theories and predictions in the form of forum posts and lengthy articles, it’s not often that such theories are amalgamated into one work and published en masse. It’s actually a real treat for someone like me to see that there is a real application for Zelda; I always wonder if the work and ideas we share on Zelda Universe have any real merit or meaning, or if we just sound like a bunch of rambling fanboys.

If anything, at least we know we’ve got some philosophers on our side, although they might be fanboys as well. But before I continue, I should take a moment to explain what The Legend of Zelda and Philosophy is.

Chapter by Chapter

At first, I actually thought I’d be diving into a single large work by a man named Luke Cuddy, but I was quite wrong. Each chapter is written by a different philosopher, some at different levels of education than others, with the exception of Luke Cuddy who has two chapters to his name. This creates an extreme sense of disconnect between the chapters; you’ll wonder why you bothered reading it in any order, because the chapters are completely unrelated to one another.

A good strategy I can see for reading The Legend of Zelda and Philosophy is to pick and choose the chapters that seem interesting to you. A good portion of them focus solely on the philosophies of prominent men such as Nietzsche and Kierkegaard, philosophies of death and infinite resurrection. Although these chapters are, without a doubt, very interesting, they might not be the flavor of philosophy you enjoy most. Luckily, The Legend of Zelda and Philosophy has laid out a sample palette of philosophy; the book, in itself, is an entrance point that any Zelda theorist (or simply Zelda enthusiast) can use to gain a better understanding of the points they wish to make. The book makes this known – a full two chapters are dedicated to learning proper form of argument; one of these is about timeline theory construction.

Of course, a downside to the disconnected chapters is their obvious disconnectedness – there are some surprising lapses in Zelda nomenclature. Is the title of the game “The Legend of Zelda: Wind Waker” or “The Legend of Zelda: The Wind Waker”? (I think we all know the answer to this one.) Is it a tektike or a tektite? Let’s not forget the classic Zelda-series spinoff, “Zeldac”. At first, I was quite sure these lapses would be a one or two-time ordeal, but as I read further I was consistently proven wrong.

A Problem With Editing

The philosophies within this book are, without a doubt, excellent – many of them are simple explanations of prominent philosophies with a slight Zelda twist to them. But at some point the editing process failed this book; with regard to the lapses in nomenclature, I also ran into various typos. I’m not about to gripe over a single typo – every book most likely has one – but at some point the number of misspelled words became so great that they were actually distracting to my reading. “Zeldac” was clearly a typo; small words such at “that” became “the” by accident. Sprinkle these mistakes over a 250-page work, and reading can become tedious.

Although the research within The Legend of Zelda and Philosophy appears to have been gathered as early as 2007, the editing process might not have been so rigorous and lengthy. Sources and citation seem disjointed; some authors use footnotes with strict MLA formatting, while others use their footnotes to add useful commentary to their philosophies. Although there is nothing wrong with either of these formats, a standardized footnotes system would have made the book seem more unified. Open Court Books graciously provided me, along with a physical copy of the book, a print-ready PDF file so that I could read on my Amazon Kindle (which was a rousing success). However, every program I opened the PDF with recognized the title of the book as “HIP HOP and Philosophy”.

Again, this is not to say that the ideas presented in the book are moot or invalidated as a result of a shoddy editing process. But be prepared for some moments that will make you want to bring your palm ever closer to your face, especially when the particular mistakes pertain to Zelda.

Death and The Legend of Zelda and Philosophy

Despite those mistakes, there are several philosophies presented bound to get the gears inside your head turning. Reading along, I noticed some very “familiar” ideas, thoughts that had formed in my head as I played the various Zelda titles, but that I was never able to properly articulate due to my complete lack of knowledge of philosophy. To see those ideas represented on a page is refreshing, and it’s probably more rewarding to read a chapter out of The Legend of Zelda and Philosophy than it is to read the latest article from The Bombers or the latest thread on ZU’s Zelda Theorizing boards.

The end result of a professional’s opinion on the matter is a feeling of validation. We, as Zelda fans and philosophers, have in a sense been validated by this work. Yes, we trust our own theories and we probably don’t need a bound book to prove that our ideas have real significance, but solid proof never hurt. The book is a good indication that our time spent finessing the specifics of Zelda is also time spent engaging ourselves in an activity that ultimately broadens our knowledge of subjects completely unrelated to gaming.

The authors who participated in The Legend of Zelda and Philosophy may have an affinity for Zelda, at some level, but it is clear that more generalized philosophy takes the center stage. Certain authors make all the effort in the world to tie Zelda into their philosophies, and the result is a chapter that is both rewarding to read and eye-opening about Zelda. One of the more interesting chapters delves into an intricate theory about The Minish Cap’s Hyrule as a utopian society. George Orwell’s 1984 is, by a wide margin, my favorite novel, and from that one could gather that the utopia and the dystopia might be two topics of discussion I could really get into.

Of course, following with what I mentioned earlier, this chapter was not present until the middle of the book. There was no warm-up, no introduction to philosophy prior to the middle that made this particular chapter one of the most engaging and informative – it just so happened that the subject I was genuinely interested in was located in the middle of the book. It is an astounding discovery that the Hyrule present in The Minish Cap, my favorite handheld Zelda game, follows almost perfectly Plato’s guidelines for the utopian ideal. I hadn’t thought about this at all the first time I played The Minish Cap, but the feeling was there; the society was too happy and too perfect, the social classes were too content with one another, and everybody was in their “proper place.” These are the “familiar” ideas I mentioned earlier – everything was always on the tip of my tongue, and the best chapters in The Legend of Zelda and Philosophy articulated these ideas for me.

And yet, there are other authors who are content to misspell the word “Zelda”, and spend the majority of their precious chapter regurgitating the philosophies of the greats. These people may as well have been talking about Zelda Fitzgerald instead of our fair princess and, although former staff member Rew makes the note that “[the book] isn’t really about Zelda,” I can’t help but feel that wasn’t the intention (not regarding that the title of the book is Zelda and Philosophy). There is a continuous struggle in the authors to successfully combine their philosophies with Zelda.

Very few are successful. Out of the book’s twenty or so chapters, I can only recall about a third of them, including the chapter I referenced earlier, that were about Zelda all the way through; the other chapters began with a good heap of Zelda, and then digressed into their base philosophies. I don’t necessarily think this is a bad thing; the philosophies on their own are incredibly interesting, and presented in a very easy to understand way. I tip my hat to the authors for creating a book from which anyone could learn the philosophies of Plato and Kierkegaard and Nietzsche. And yet, at the end of the day, Rew is right. The book, taken as a whole, is far more focused on the philosophy than it is on the Zelda (and the tying in thereof), with only a few chapters keeping Zelda in the field of philosophical play for more then half their length.

But will you come out of reading The Legend of Zelda and Philosophy feeling a little more philosophically awakened? You might, but the most powerful message of all is saved for the final chapter.

Spoiler Alert! Games are serious.

The entire book builds up to a point I care to elaborate on: Games can be serious stuff. We spend our days enjoying the frivolity of games – board games, video games, imaginary games we make up with our friends, or while we’re sitting in class waiting for a lecture to end. Little Johnny and his friends pretend to be MLB superstars with nothing but a stick, and our society places little value on these games. But are they really so frivolous? Is little Johnny’s situation all that different from us gamers pretending that we are Link, exploring the world of Hyrule with nothing but a game controller?

The existence of a book such as The Legend of Zelda and Philosophy, at its very heart, says otherwise. By playing these games we engage ourselves in a form of thought at a higher level than we ever imaged. Games, especially the Zelda series, are a worthy topic of study – they have changed the way we view the world, how we view human-character interactions, how we react to simplified economic situations, and even offer a window into our personifications of modern societal archetypes (the chapter on feminism discusses this in depth).

The Legend of Zelda and Philosophy may have its quirks – the editing could have been tighter, and the authors could have worked more closely with one another to create a flowing reading experience. But at the end of the day, it’s philosophy that takes the center stage. Has this book shown, in some way, that the Zelda series – and thereby all games – are a worthy topic of study and extrospection? The answer is a resounding yes.

If you’re a Zelda theorist, chances are you already have this book or plans to run out and buy it. If you’re just dipping your feet into Zelda at a higher level of thought, The Legend of Zelda and Philosophy offers a great starting point with interesting insights into both Zelda and gaming as a whole. If you’re looking for something to pleasure read, though, and only have a small knowledge of the Zelda series, you might be off-put by the disjointedness of the chapters and the glaring semantic errors. But at its current price of $13, it’s worth its weight as a gateway drug into the fascinating realm of philosophy. A true Zelda fan shouldn’t be without it.

(You can buy The Legend of Zelda and Philosophy through Amazon.com or through Open Court’s website.)

10th Anniversary Special Extravaganza
By Power Shot

Link decides to reveal a surprising retro look for the decade celebration.

So I’ve been asked to do this now. I’ll be writing this in a completely different format from my usual reviews, partially because of the significance of the game I’m being asked to review, and partially because I only have two days to get this out. In case you couldn’t tell, November 21st is the tenth anniversary of the release of The Legend of Zelda: Ocarina of Time. Regarded as one of the finest games ever designed, it has sold 7.6 million copies of its original N64 release, and has spawned almost half a dozen re-releases. It was also the first game to ever receive a perfect score from Famitsu, which in itself is regarded as the most respected video game reviewing magazine available. Yes, even I liked this game as a child, and I still do as an adult, so it’s incredibly difficult for me to say anything negative about this game. So, instead of all of that, we’re going to take a look at this juggernaut of gaming and see exactly what made it tick back then, what makes us remember it now, and how it came to be classified as one of the greatest, if not the greatest games ever made.

Incidentally, this remembrance will contain more spoilers than a review of the new Saw film. But if you’re wary of spoilers of this game, then you clearly have no idea what I’m talking about, so give this review to someone who does.

Retrospective Review: The Adventure of Link

By Power Shot

Lately I have been thinking a lot about innovation. What with the news that the next Legend of Zelda game might be both first-person and casual, and those steampunk rumors we had going on, it made me realize how many people really hate change. When one builds up a routine, perhaps the most terrifying thing is to change said routine. There are always people who love change and those that hide under their beds with the Boogyman when change comes calling. When I was playing Zelda II: The Adventure of Link, I could not help recalling such modern transformations of the Zelda franchise. After all, this is without a doubt the most…shall we say unique, game of the series. Forget breakout titles like Ocarina of Time, this is the game that did things differently. With side-scrolling, EXP-elements such as leveling up attack, magic, and health, this was definitely one of the more innovative titles of the series.

But is innovation good? Since we’ve never seen elements introduced in this sequel title in any other of the series, maybe it wasn’t. Maybe people don’t like things like side-scrolling from our favorite fairy boy. But I seem to be babbling, which I often do, for which reasons I shall explain later. So let’s hitch up out pants, flatten ourselves to two dimensions, and grab our swords as we investigate this, the second of the Zelda series. Hopefully someone remembered to bring bacon grease for Rosie O’Donnell.

Talk Two Sentences to Me

As we all know, I enjoy starting these reviews discussing some of the more important things of a game: characters, setting, and plot, so let’s talk about Link and his merry band of assistants through this adventure.

Now, as this is a direct sequel Zelda, the player might notice that Link’s grown a few pixels, specifically the amount of pixels game characters the age of seventeen obtain. He’s an adult now, so it’s time to treat him like one. He’s got a few new moves, and he’s grown out of a few old ones. For starters, Link’s learned to leave the surface of Hyrule and escape the confines of gravity for brief intervals in an ability I am told is called ‘jumping’. He also gets a bit of personality, as Link actually speaks in this game! Yes, our silent protagonist has learned how to cause words to float across the screen to convey what he’s thinking, and displays this talent more than once. It gives him a bit of personality, and really helped me engage myself in the game, though others mind find the phenomena a bit out of place with the series.

Now, we all know that a protagonist is nothing without many, many supporting characters for which he can perform tasks to get to different sections of the game. I found out one of two things: either Hyrule has an abundance of old man or there is only one old man in all of Hyrule who seems to have more concubines than a Sultan. He shows up everywhere, and gives you spells if you help his various daughters/wives/love slaves. I found it a bit inspiring, and wanted to learn all the spells in Hyrule so I might emulate him one day. Sadly, despite my frequent saving of the world, no one wanted to be my concubine. I guess the old man forgot to tell me the spell that summons his vast supply of little blue pills.

Even though all of the characters can speak a whole two sentences without forgetting their speech patterns, there are several things missing from this Zelda game. For one, Zelda herself only appears at the beginning and end, mostly because she’s in a coma for this game. It’s not like the last game, where we didn’t know her. We’ve got a relationship now, and it seemed a bit like she was giving me the cold shoulder. But maybe she’s just shy. After all, she does have to wait for a curtain to fall before she kisses Link.

Because this is a direct-sequel Zelda, Ganon is nowhere to be seen, though his followers are everywhere. A bit sad, as I was really looking forward to hunting some wild boar again.

Dimension Traveling

The staples of any good Legend of Zelda game involve, among several things, good landscape to travel in. I suppose the countryside has to be beautiful so that we’re motivated to save it. Hyrule has gone through several changes since the last time we visited. For starters, there are towns now! Yes, actual people inhabit the land now and give it its own little personality. The land is still rather large, and I wouldn’t be the critic that I am if I didn’t bash it for not having a map, yet again. I would have thought that after the first game they would have realized that having a giant world means people need to know where to go! Even the dungeons don’t have maps now, which caused me to spend several hours consulting websites just looking for where I was supposed to go.

The dungeons and towns are much more detailed than the over world, which they’re supposed to be, but I felt that they looked too similar. The towns were all identical, and the only thing that really differentiated the dungeons were the different shades of colors in the backgrounds. After a while they started to feel repetitious. This might be because of budget, or technological difficulties, but they all follow the same pattern: go in, grind through enemies and rooms, find item that you will rarely need to use, and kill the boss by hitting it with your sword. Even the items feel unnecessary, as the bow and arrows, the bombs, and all the rest we saw in the last game are gone, resulting in Adventure of Link becoming a giant hack-and-slash with Mario jumping mixed in.

I Dream of a Plot

One day in the future, I know that Zelda will have a good plot. I understand the difficulties of executing one with NES technology. Back in those days, it was completely natural to have the entire plot on the back of a box or on a scrolling prologue. They didn’t have all the fancy gizmos that we do nowadays.

Adventure of Link revolves around an incarnation of Link who has grown out of his kid-sized tights and has begun noticing strange things about himself. Specifically, a triangle-shaped mark on the back of his hand that means he is naturally the chosen of the Triforce of Courage. He is then heralded by Impa, nursemaid of Princess Zelda, who informs him that the princess has fallen into a deep sleep and, unlike Sleeping Beauty, cannot be awoken by a steamy mouth-to-mouth CPR session. No, she requires Link to seek out the actual Triforce of Courage at the Great Palace, which can only be opened by placing crystals in other palaces and blah de blah de blah. The entire plot is completely ignored during actual game play, and I had to actually keep checking the box for the back story to remind myself why I was trying to wake her up.

I’m assuming everyone can guess what happens at the end. Good triumphs, evil is vanquished, and Link gets a girlfriend. Oh, I guess that is a sort of twist. Normally people use their words to thank the sole sword wielder in all of Hyrule.

I Can See You, Mario!

This is the part of the review where I am contract-obligated to discuss gaming aspects that worked, failed, and utterly tanked. As we are all aware, Adventure of Link is probably one of the most unique games in the entire franchise and, after careful analysis, I think I can figure out why. Adventure of Link plays very much like a hack-and-slash Mario title. You run left to right in vaguely similar levels and butt-stomp, or I guess the case for Link would be sword-stomp, your opponents into submission. The enjoyable items like the bow and arrows, even the bombs, have been needlessly replaced with travel items used to open up new locations and, while it’s a half-decent idea, it basically causes all the levels to blend together quite blandly. In the previous installment of the series, I would look forward to finding weapons and even rupees, but all of that’s been removed. It just kind of makes everything listless and uninteresting, with little to look forward to besides beating the game.

While elements of Mario were certainly present and clearly visible during game play, there were several things that were not clearly visible. Specifically the villains, and this I felt was the most annoying thing about the game. Time and time again I would die simply because I walked somewhere I wasn’t supposed to walk. I had to memorize where the enemies were, I had to determine where their attacks would hit… It felt almost like work, and I always find it difficult to enjoy myself when I’m working when I should be having fun.

In Closing

Sadly, all good things must come to an end, so I thought it would be a good idea to discuss innovation one last time. The Adventure of Link is certainly innovative, but was it a success? Well, in terms of game play, perhaps not. After all, no other Zelda titles followed the example set by Adventure of Link, as sequels returned to the game play elements introduced in the original Legend of Zelda. Yes, this is the game that shall remain forever the ‘dark horse’ of the series, to quote Wikipedia. And though I have mounted the mountain of evidence against the game, though I have slandered the game, still I wonder…what might have been? I like when things are done differently, a trait that is unfortunately a bit absent from several games in the series, and here in this game is it displayed why. Maybe this is the game that caused Nintendo and Miyamoto to stick to the formula that had made Zelda what it is.

Remember, Nintendo, for all their giant leaps in recent years for innovation, is a company that fears change, especially their core franchises. And no series displays this more prominently than The Legend of Zelda. Is that bad? Of course not. After all, I believe the old proverb is “if it ain’t broke, don’t fix it.” But with the new rumors about casual Zelda rearing their heads, I cannot help but think that maybe Nintendo’s pulling out their wrenches to try their hand at fixing the plumbing.

Retrospective Review: The Legend of Zelda

By Power Shot

As I sit here, watching television, I wonder how I can begin this review. I lie back, scratch my dog’s ears, and drift my mind back to think about this immensely important piece of gaming history, nay, art. I wonder how I can be unbiased towards this game, one which inspired my own personal love of storytelling in video games. I wonder about how I can review a game which was released twenty-two years ago. Times have changed, we’ve grown so accustomed to great graphics, great stories, and complex puzzles I wonder how I can possibly balance out today’s standards of game play and the simplistic joys of yesteryear. In many ways, reviewing the first game of the Zelda series is very much like reviewing the series as a whole, as I have the benefit of hindsight reviewers of 1986 did not. So, now that I have gotten that off my chest and my dog is happily asleep, I shall begin my retrospective journey through this, Shigeru Miyamoto’s greatest love child. Let’s pray to whatever religion we belong or don’t belong to I don’t get buried in the nostalgia of this groundbreaking title that started a legend.

Infants on the Big Screen

When The Legend of Zelda was released, it came with it characters who would become some of the greatest icons of the video game world. Oh, sure, they weren’t that pretty, and perhaps the game’s manual elaborated their appearances, but the fact remains that there are three distinct individuals in this game that have stood the test of time and deserve this special look back on their representation in the game.

First, we of course have Link. Now, in this game, Link is an infant. He is the tabula rasa, or blank slate, of nameless, faceless, voiceless protagonists. His name can be changed, he never speaks, and his body is made of such a small amount of pixels that one can barely see his face. As an infant, Link obviously hasn’t gotten into the swing of things like he will in later games, as he strikes and swings his sword and all of his weapons with an almost punishing lack of urgency. But that’s okay, it’s his first game. No one gets it right on the first try, right? Well, neither did I, as I spent the majority of the game at the restart points in each area. Considering how many times Link died on my journey across the land of Hyrule, I cannot help but feel amazed at the boy’s resilience. Surely after my restarting the fiftieth time he would be perfectly within his rights to begin complaining. Link’s personality is also slightly difficult to comprehend to the untrained eye, as his face is made up of maybe a maximum of eight pixels, which could understandably impede anyone’s ability to convey emotion. I really felt like it was me playing in the game, since the slate was blank and I could imagine Link saying or thinking anything I felt like. Like when I killed the three-headed dragon in the first dungeon, and I felt like Link really could have used a nap right about then. So I took a nap, to the immense relief of my family, who was at this time sick of the death screen music.

Now that we have analyzed our protagonist, I feel it necessary and, nay, required, that I speak about a relationship that we see form in this game and continue for the duration of most of the series. I speak of course of the standard kidnapping that occurs to famous gaming icon, and damsel in distress fetishist, Princess Zelda, which is normally done by resident evil baddie Ganon, the Prince of Darkness, called thusly presumably because Lucifer was getting over a late-night keg party when Miyamoto was having auditions. Here is where I feel the most emotion in the game is demonstrated, as Miyamoto’s idea of his characters displaying emotions at their infant stage involves movement of the arms, random body glowing, and hopping up and down. Ganon feels like a real antagonist because of his body language and roaring, while Zelda feels a bit weak, mostly because she does very little, even for Zelda. Well, I guess that’s alright, since this is her first time and all. Everyone’s a bit inexperienced, I’m sure she’ll get the damsel-and-distress business right in future games.

My Kingdom for a Map!

Okay, I shall admit that the graphics in The Legend of Zelda are not the best by today’s standards. If Zelda enrolled in a beauty pageant with the newer, nubile titles like Metal Gear Solid 4 it would be like watching a forty-year-old woman trying to win the Miss Teen USA Pageant. But there was a time when the game had some of the most innovative level design around, so we will ignore the graphics a bit and focus on how the game looks as far as what it is intended to do: challenge a player’s mind.

When I first began the game, I was amazed at the vastness of the game. In the era of the NES, from which I have resurrected this game, it was unheard of to have a game with such an expansive over world that could be freely traveled and explored. However, while Nintendo indeed made such a large game, they neglected to remember what is needed for such a large game: the map. Most of the times my game ended it was because I had taken the wrong directions due to not having a proper map. I feel the game could have been improved on immensely had Miyamoto had the foresight to install a map right from the get-go, as often times I would be completely unable to locate dungeons without consulting the Internet.

Speaking of the dungeons, I’d just like to add that the dungeons in this game are really good. Despite this being the inaugural game and all, Miyamoto does right when it comes to these little miniature dungeons, while lacking in some areas like attention to detail or fancy graphics, they get the job done and are enjoyable to play through. Plus, once you beat the game once, you get all new dungeons to explore. It’s like two games for the price of one! Back in 1986, people were ecstatic to hear this news! Some of the enemies, however, are not as finely tuned, such as the Moblins in the field, who spawn in for no reason wherever you go, often times behind you to block your escape and seal away your death. Other than that though, there’s no reason to complain.

Except, of course, when you’re trudging through the field with half a life left, only to lost it when a baddie marches up behind you and give you the touch of death. For the fiftieth time. Then the controller goes hurling through the television screen.

Read Me a Bedtime Story!

The Legend of Zelda was released a long, long time ago, before the days of the twelve centimeter Wii Optical Disk, on a small little floppy disk for the Famicom Disk System. As such, the game relies heavily on the game’s manual and prologue to tell the story for us. While this is not a very cool way to tell a story, it does explain why the little tree-spending pamphlets are included with games. I always thought they were used to hit my brother. For those of you that have no idea what The Legend of Zelda’s storyline might revolve around, it generally deals with the kidnapping of a certain eponymous princess and the subsequent rescue that requires you to go through a certain number of dungeons to gain a certain number of mystical items to battle a certain number of giant baddies who all work for a certain giant boar wizard demon called Ganon. The story is immediately forgotten and ignored during actual game play, but that’s alright. You kind of start forgetting about storytelling and exposition when you’re slaughtering three-headed dragons.

Legacy of the Triforce

So, here we are, nearing the end of this retrospect of what is probably one of the most important games of gaming history. Featuring a story, a free-roaming world, and more action than a Bruce Lee movie, The Legend of Zelda was an innovative game that gave players freedom they had never experienced before, letting them complete the game any way they see fit. This game, the characters, they’ve spanned sequels, remakes, even complete rip-offs (I’m looking at you, Okami), completely rewrote the rulebook on how games were made. Of course, I cannot comment on future titles, but I can say that this game is brutal, and that brutality of treating players like dirt, rubbing their faces in sand, mud, ice, fire, water, or any number of themed dungeons, is present in this inaugural game. And it’s worth trudging through, just to get to the explosive, 16-bit finale. If you can stomach the amount of times you will die in the effort to laboriously crawl towards it.

In Closing

So, here we are. The ending of the first tale in the Zelda series. We’ve recovered the Triforce of Wisdom, we’ve rescued Princess Zelda, we’ve even trashed up Ganon for the very first time. So, was it the game everyone expected? Well, obviously we can’t overlook the test of time the graphics and simplistic game play designs, but Nintendo has always forsaken good looks for great games, and it’s a strategy that has served them well in the long run. There are a few nag-worthy issues that, in hindsight, should have been corrected, but again, it’s difficult to judge a game that’s twenty-two years old, when I myself am younger than the game! It’s from a different era! It was its sequels, not the first game, that brought me into the Zelda fold. And I liked it. If it can cross generation gaps, technological inferiorities, and still be great, I really think that’s worth mentioning. So congratulations, The Legend of Zelda. You’ve succeeded in filling this rage and misery-suffering gamer with a sense of hope, not from the future, but from the past. Let’s hope the rest of the games hold up to the challenge and excitement of the first installment.

Does This Kart Make My Butt Look Big?

Perhaps the most gradual change in the Mario Kart series of late is the inclusion of different karts and, while not wishing to be pessimistic to those of you that love more karts, this aspect of the games has really made it difficult to care about the characters anymore. Gone are the days when folk would fight over characters with a ferocity rivaling the way that George Bush denies reality, and in are the days that one can simply pick whatever car you want without any quarrel whatsoever. To an extent, Nintendo has allotted a decent amount of karts with varying degrees of speed, traction, and wall-bumping action, but the biggest addition to this Mario Kart is the brand-spanking-new motorcycles that one can now have one’s character prance about in. I must admit, I ride a motorcycle in this game, and there’s nothing quite as funny as watching Bowser balance on what looks like a little girl’s tricycle.

But there is a serious problem that I would like to address in this game that does have something to do with the characters, and that is that quite a few of them appear to defy the laws of mass and density. For example, our fat little hero/plumber Mario is classified as a Medium character while the petite Rosalina from recent foray into space Super Mario Galaxy is a Heavy. This does not make sense to me, and really makes me wonder what kind of message the Japanese are sending our children. Will it make blondes starve themselves so they won’t have to ride Wario’s multicolored Bike of Fatness? Probably not, but the fact remains that despite a pretty hefty ignorance of logic in the Mario Kart universe, such details really shouldn’t go unnoticed (and unpunished).

Oh, and thanks Nintendo for making up ridiculous ways to unlock characters, like burning through Time Trials. Thanks to this little heap of fun, and the fact that I can’t beat the Time Trials, I shall never play with the sole reason I purchased this game: Funky Kong.

NASCAR on Crack

First off, I don’t condone drugs. Drugs are bad, as they impair your judgment and cause you to do things you wouldn’t normally do, like get married in Vegas. But sometimes people try to simulate what it’s like to do drugs, like the beer goggles everyone has to go through in some high school health class. Having said that, the track design in Mario Kart Wii is more or less exactly like someone took a bunch of cocaine to the design team and injected it right into the femoral artery of each team member. Level design is crazy, out of control, and completely insane. And that’s a good thing, because no one buys a Mario Kart game without some good places to kill their buddies.

But this insanity comes at a price–namely that all the praise I heaped at the game’s track design earlier is immediately taken away because of some sort of magnet system attached to each track’s sides that is dead-set on pulling your vehicle, whether you want it to or not, in the direction of the nearest wall or pit of death. But I suppose this can be blamed on the fact that I am not Speed Racer, and driving comes as easily to me as cognitive processes come to the mentally idiotic. Part of the blame rests on the handling of the karts, which will be detailed and brutally savaged later in this review. But this is a game other reviewers are downgrading for having such wide track design they feel lonely, while I personally think they could do with some more horizontal stretching, especially in the Retro Cups.

Oh, and whoever made the Koopa Cape level can die a cold, watery death, as it exemplifies my next rant about bad level design: the ramps. New to Mario Kart Wii is the ability to race up ramps or half pipes freshly ripped from the Tony Hawk games for an extra boost of speed depending on how well you perform a stylish jump by tilting the Wii Wheel. This is good in theory, but the sad fact is that these ramps can often send you hurtling in the general direction of the pits of death. And other times they are obscene, like in the Koopa Cape level. In this track there is a certain point where you go into a pipe near the end of each lap. Okay. I went up the half pipes on one side and suddenly found myself dizzyingly hurtling between one side’s half pipe and the other like a confused dog dashing back and forth between two points. I tried braking, but the game stubbornly refused to register this fact until I was all the way in last place on the final lap. Thank you Mario Kart Wii. Now I have to cover the newly-created but strangely Wii Wheel-shaped hole in my wall with a cat poster.

Deep Blue’s Done Himself Proud

One of the marvels of artificial intelligence, or AI, came when Deep Blue, a computer designed to play chess, managed to beat a world chess champion on its own. Humans were astounded that we had created a machine that beat one of our own. In this respect, Mario Kart Wii outdoes itself. The AI is brutal, and has more sniping prowess than US Army Special Forces. In fact, Mario Kart Wii’s AI is so good it could take down Navy SEALs wearing camouflage from ninety miles. In the dark. It’s so accurate it’s not even fair sometimes. I’ll be wandering down the track, minding my own business, when suddenly a banana will be launched from behind with accuracy rivaling Rob Furlong.

I don’t understand why it is that video game companies allow cheating computer opponents into big games like this. Sure, computers are handicapped because they don’t have a human brain, but who needs that when they have super powerful abilities? I’m fairly certain that’s how the Matrix movies happened and, if that’s the case, then I foresee a mass amount of blue shells being flung at us in the future.

Oh, and there’s always a guaranteed part when every CPU and their electronic grandmothers team up to hunt you down and ruin your race. It almost always happens on the final lap, and it’s often near the finish line. Just expect it to come with blue shells, lightning bolts, red shells, the flying monkeys from The Wizard of Oz…you name it, it’ll turn up if you’re in first place with less then half the track left to go.

Mommy, Can I Drive?

The short answer is “No, and shut up.” I am a seasoned veteran of the Mario Kart series, feared in many places for my driving prowess. Yet, when I got a hold of the Wii Wheel for the first time, I couldn’t help but feel like I had taken a court-mandated plop into the driver’s seat of a drunk-driving simulator. While the Wii Wheel is designed to give a “realistic” take on driving to the Mario Kart franchise, it feels more like a cow piloting a unicycle. It’s slow, clunky, and will occasionally ignore its user altogether if you fail to twist it the right way. In retrospect, the Wii Wheel actually reminds me more of a cat than a cow, as it seems to claw your eyes out any time you fail to pet it the right way.

In older Mario Kart games, I always felt a sense of tightness and responsiveness in the controller I was given, despite the uncomfortable positioning of the N64 analog stick. But with Mario Kart Wii, all this tight and responsive game play seemed to jump ship like Michael Jackson’s nose flying right off a stage. There’s just no way to avoid the endless precession of wall-bumping, pit-of-death-falling action that seems to present itself in every race I enter. Unless you use a Gamecube controller, which is for weaklings.

But, to be fair, that’s just my personal take on the Wii Wheel. Others probably like it. Others also like to do weird things, like ask people if they’d jump off a cliff to conform with the rest of their ‘others’.

Hu-Mans Are Worse

On reflection of this game, I can recall few instances when I wasn’t violently cursing at the CPU racers as they hurled weaponry at me like an army of memory-lapsing Ronald Reagans pandering to Iranians, but what was probably worse than getting so much shell tossed at me by computers was when it was done to me by mystical creatures calling themselves Hu-Mans. Yes, Nintendo has finally gotten serious about online gaming and, to their credit, have done a really good job with it. Races are easy to get into, loading times are good, and, what might be the best idea ever, the implementation of a worldwide scoreboard to forever hook players in and doom them to lives living in their parents’ basements, unless you live in Texas like me, where there are no basements. It’s very addictive. I would however like to note a significant decrease in the pixel quality on the online, probably to keep lagging to a minimum. Well, whatever the care was it seemed to work, as I haven’t seen a missed frame yet online (Your experience may differ).

Did I Forget Anything? (Quick Tidbits of Stuff I Didn’t Care About)

Like any good game, some sections of Mario Kart Wii clearly are not for everybody. For me, personally, it was Battle Mode, which had been downgraded to some sort of team-frenzy mad dash to either get coins or pop balloons. And Nintendo made this poor, crumbling function worse by removing free-for-alls, meaning that you must play with other people against your will and work together to either collect coins, which takes on the form of some mad dash to gain giant gold circles larger than your car, or the traditional balloon fight, which has had its soul removed by introducing a score system and respawning drivers with fresh sets of balloons for the vehicular-challenged.

The second useless section is the Time Trials, which plays like a gigantic middle finger courtesy of Nintendo. In each race, you must beat Nintendo’s top driver to prove your worth and unlock characters, like my aforementioned white whale Funky Kong. In it, you are given three turbo-inducing Mushrooms per run and must race a ‘ghost’ of the track. The only reason I tried this feature was out of sheer mindlessness and a deep desire to bash it here.

Next we have Grand Prix mode, the closest thing to a single player campaign as you’ll get. Sadly, it is somewhat ruined for not having the co-op functions introduced in Double Dash, the previous installment of the series, and it made me feel a bit lonely being viciously assaulted by the CPU’s attacks with no hope of assistance. I mean, for a company with such a big emphasis on cooperative play, Nintendo really should have kept the feature. Again and again it feels like Nintendo wanted to smash players with its cheapest shots and see who was man enough to take it.

Oh, and there’s Versus mode too, but chances are you figured that one out. You race against other humans you’ve brought over. Simple as that.

In Closing (The Fifth Grade Analogy)

I have heaped a great amount of criticism on this game, most of which it deserves, and some of which to satisfy my spite. While the game looks happy and gleeful, do not be deceived by its colorful demeanor. This thing is brutal, evil, and if it were a bully would steal your lunch money and kick you in the shins just to see the tear form in your eyelid, which is why I chose to compare it to the fifth grade. Remember how terrible that year was? How difficult?

Actually, since this is the eighth game in the series it should be the eighth grade, which wasn’t that great of a year either. Here’s hoping the series sharpens up a bit before it’s shipped off to high school in the inevitable next installment.

Okami was originally released for PlayStation 2 in 2006 to rave reviews. It didn’t receive much attention, attention that it very well deserves, but it did publicize itself enough that its demographic felt it was better suited for the Wii, and not the PlayStation 2. Two years later, that demographic wins the hearts of Capcom, who agrees to abuse ReadyAtDawn Studios’s goldmine of talent to port Okami to the Wii console.

For those unfamiliar with exactly why there was such a clamor to port Okami to Wii, I present the mighty reason: In the Zelda series, Link acquires items that give him skills and abilities, allowing him to solve certain puzzles and advance further in the plotline, and eventually defeat whoever the final boss is. In Okami, you receive “brush techniques” – painterly abilities that are not physical items, but work the same way. You literally paint on the screen using special brush strokes to manipulate the world around you, allowing the main character, Okami Amaterasu, to solve puzzles much in the same way Link does.

Using the Brush #1

In the PlayStation 2 version, Okami players were forced to use the analog stick to control the brush – aptly named the “Celestial Brush” – a tedious and slow motion that was perfected on the Wii. I was personally surprised at how natural painting on the screen felt. Disregarding the fact that I use a projector screen to play my video games and that left me ginormous room to paint, the Wii’s motion sensing capabilities have astounded me to no end with their abilities to accurately sense my brush strokes.

Using the Brush #2

So, here’s the quick skinny on Okami: You are Okami Amaterasu, goddess of the Sun in the form of a white wolf. You died 100 years ago in a furious battle against the eight-headed demon, Orochi, and ushered in an era of peace. Unfortunately, you died as well, and your lifeless body was turned into a statue to commemorate your heroism. Now, 100 years later, Orochi has returned. You have been revived by the wood sprite Sakuya to once again defeat Orochi and bring peace to the land.

I believe the only thing that bugged me about the game was that Amaterasu had no recollection of her past, or at least could not speak to tell the viewer about her past. But this is a small battered copper coin among mountains of gold, and Amaterasu’s past is oddly explained throughout the course of the game through stunningly beautiful sum-e style artwork. The amount of work that went into defining the style of this game is impeccable – all the Wind Waker-haters out there surely must succumb to the sheer beauty and style of Okami, which takes cel shading and turns it into a form of art. Although The Wind Waker was beautiful – and my favorite Zelda game by far – its cel shading is nowhere near as creative and stylistic as Okami’s, disregarding the fact that Okami was developed and released nearly three years after The Wind Waker.

Okami’s artwork extends beyond its cel shading. Hand-crafted pieces of artwork appear before each new enemy encounter, and custom views of Amaterasu were created for each different weapon she equips. This nuances in artwork create a world that extends beyond the 3D realm, and bring to life the paper of the playing field. Enemy design is exquisite and intricate, and it’s clear that the style was intentionally chosen so that enemies on screen would look as close to their 2D artwork counterparts as possible. This merging of 2D and 3D artwork into a single, flowing piece is not only beautifully done, but harmonic – encountering new, more challenging enemies is an event both frightening and looked forward to. On one hand, the player may face certain doom as the challenge overwhelms him. On the other hand, he gets to view a wonderful work of art before meeting his demise. Such art is scattered throughout Okami. The amount of work that went into defining and creating Okami’s art and style is breathtaking. And bosses get similar treatment – but their drawings are far more extravagant.

Having played Twilight Princess long, long before touching or hearing of Okami, I will state that anybody who enjoyed Twilight Princess will get a kick out of Okami. I previously stated that the main character, Okami Amterasu, is not only female but also a wolf – not simply for part of the game, but for the entire game. So, as you pick up the Wiimote and Nunchuck to begin to play, you instantly think of Wolf Link if you have played Twilight Princess for Wii. And for good reason: The control scheme is not only similar to Wolf Link’s, it is exactly the same. Shake the Wiimote to thrust forward and attack. Use the nunchuck to run around and dodge. Etc, etc etc.

But Okami takes it quite a few steps further: think Wolf Link on steroids. Twilight Princess had changeable weapons, but only for Human Link, and only two weapons – the Ordon Sword and the Master Sword. Amaterasu has not two, but fifteen different weapons, or “Divine Instruments,” to choose from, and three different types of weapons. In addition, weapons can be equipped as main and sub weapons – as a main weapon, the equip will deliver more powerful attacks whenever you shake the wiimote at an enemy. As a sub-weapon, it will perform a different attack that activates when you press the Z button near an enemy. Therefore, each weapon really has two abilities, lending good ol’ Ammy thirty different attacks. Amaterasu carries these weapons on her back, and they are only directly usable while in battle. Those weapons, and your brush (many strokes act as offensive maneuvers), are what will defeat hundreds of demon foes.

Okami Amaterasu

Battle is incredibly similar to Twilight Princess’s Wolf Link battle schema. Battles occur in an enclosed space, blocked off by a circular wall that disappears when the battle is finished. Within the enclosure is Ammy and her foes – and the battle ensues, just like Wolf Link’s would. Fortunately, as previously explained Amaterasu has a wealth of attacks that give battles true diversity. Wolf Link feels rather boring compared to Ammy due to his dull, limited attacks. Amaterasu likes to show us just how powerful a wolf can really be, and after playing Okami it seems silly that Wolf Link was so powerless. Had Wolf Link had the same item and battle schema as Amaterasu, he could have easily taken Ganondorf down right quick.

Dungeons are not as straightforward as they are in Zelda; it’s not always evident when you’re in a dungeon, going to a dungeon, or finishing a dungeon. Nevertheless, it gives the game a flow that you don’t see in Zelda. Twilight Princess felt so very linear. You knew when you were going to the next dungeon. You knew exactly when it started, what you were going to get, and when it would end. Okami is scatterbrained, in a good way. The dungeons themselves aren’t crucial – there are only five or six of them. Sure, you’re required to traverse through them, but it’s not always apparent that you’ve gone through a dungeon. Boss battles don’t always happen inside dungeons, or at the end of them, and because of this the entire “dungeon” construct become irrelevant. You’re free to enjoy the game and its puzzles pretty much everywhere, and you never know what’s going to show up next. It’s not obvious the way Zelda games are, and it’s refreshing in that aspect.

Granted, Okami also feels more adult than any Zelda game I’ve played (a major component of the game is the Japanese rice wine “sake”, which fuels both comic relief and plays a major part in stupefying a certain boss). Large amounts of dialogue from Amaterasu’s guide, discussed later, are filled with sexual innuendo. Nevertheless, its dialogue is intricate and its storytelling is far from the second-grade vocabulary that the Zelda series surrounds itself with. It makes sense, given that the entire game is meant to feel like a book and painting; the player is never overwhelmed with words, and the dialogue never gets boring. Often times characters will repeat something that they just said, but that’s a minor annoyance and makes dialogue go faster when it needs to. If you really feel that the dialogue gets long and tedious and wordy, they’ve included an ability to skip dialogue and cutscenes in the Wii version of Okami – a blessing when there are rather long scenes just before boss battles. Nonetheless, it is the dialogue of Okami that creates the true atmosphere of the game.

The game wouldn’t mean much if faith and godliness weren’t a major component, and I must say that I’ve never felt such a pressing sense of evil and destruction in any game I’ve ever played. Villains these days have become comical. They never represent a true threat – even Ganondorf, dark and foreboding in Twilight Princess, was overshadowed by the rather comical and downright goofy Zant. There is no evil being identified as the true villain in Okami, even though Orochi is initially thought to be the antagonist. Rather, evil is a presence that is everywhere, and the truly religious talk amongst villagers and their actions of prayer to prevent it create an atmosphere that makes the evil feel, for the first time, actually dangerous. Evil is scary – evil causes death. How do they fix that? Pray to the gods.

And when they pray, you gain power. Amaterasu gains experience, called Praise, much like modern RPG’s. Instead of leveling up, you can increase your life. Heart Containers become Solar Energy, the Magic meter becomes your Ink Bottles (the number of times you can use your brush before losing your divine abilities temporarily). You can increase any of these if you have the praise enough to do so. And if you find three Sun Fragments, your Solar Energy goes up by one unit – think Heart Containers. It’s strikingly, if not exactly similar the Zelda series’ formula.

Issun

And what Zelda formula would be complete without our guide? Ocarina of Time began the tradition of tying Link’s guide directly into the story; The Wind Waker took that a step further, and Twilight Princess made Link’s guide a major character not only crucial to the storyline, but the reason for the game’s title. While Issun, Amaterasu’s inch-high guide, is not the reason for the game’s namesake, Issun is a major character and plays a huge role in the game’s plot. Issun packs twice the attitude of Navi into the same sized package – his presence at first seems to be only for comic relief. By the end of the game, his comments are still laughable, but his presence does have a greater purpose – even if half of his dialogue is perverted. Issun actually comes, most interestingly, directly from Japanese folklore – the inch-high boy who went out to find his place in the world. He saved a princess from a monster, and the dead monster coughed up a mallet that could grant its holder any wish. The princess used the mallet to grow this folkloric Issun to normal size, and they eventually wed.

Ammy and Issun

It’s not surprising that there is a special item in Okami: The Lucky Mallet. But it does rather the opposite of growing Amaterasu – it shrinks you down to Issun’s size! These references to real Japanese culture create an even more realistic atmosphere. The reason why evil feels so darn evil in Okami is because you’re placed in a world so humbled by its tradition, stories, religion and environment that it’s more than worth saving. It must be saved! What’s even better, the game does not take place in a fictional land. Okami is set in classical Japan. An uncanny amount of the game’s characters are ripped straight out of folklore. Amaterasu is the actual name for the sun goddess in Japanese mythology – what can Zelda say about its gods? Okami can say: ““Okami Amaterasu, origin of all that is good and mother to us all.”

Okami is a gem of a game, and you are a fool if you don’t purchase it. As a Legend of Zelda fan, you are a fool if you do not purchase it. As a Wolf Link fan, you are a fool if you do not purchase it. As a fan of all fine art, you are a fool if you do not purchase it. As a reader, a storyteller, a religious zealot, an atheist, a common man or woman, or a hardcore gaming maniac, you are a fool to not purchase Okami, origin of all that is good and mother to us all.

This game is the sequel to Legend of Zelda, but this game doesn’t follow or fit into the usual Zelda story as you’ll soon find out. The graphics for this game was of course in 2D but this did not stop Nintendo from trying to make it better then the Legend of Zelda. Nintendo tried quite a few things in the testing grounds before they set it free to roam around and be sold to the gamers of the world. Like Legend of Zelda these games are no longer available so ask your friend if he has it and if he doesn’t but you desperately need it you always have the refuge!!

In this game Ganon is nowhere to be seen as Link once again sent him back into the Realm and saved Hyrule and gathered back up all the eight pieces of the Wisdom part of the Triforce. A mysterious sorcerer is behind the evil that has once again struck Hyrule and the Princess. When the sorcerer started his rain of terror he placed a curse on Princess Zelda for her to sleep for eternity. Link needed to locate all of the shards of the magic crystal, which would eventually open the gates to the Great Palace where the sorcerer had escaped.

In this game there aren’t as many weapons as hoped which is a down side for the game and another one is that the world map of Hyrule absolutely throws out the adventure of it but a good thing is that there are many more locations to explore!

Most of the graphics are fantastic and are better then Legend of Zelda as the view is on the side though the world map looks worse. The sound effects are nothing special and are quite bland and they have not progressed from Legend of Zelda but that’s life but still this time the songs aren’t even catchy so you’ll be playing with the volume down and listening to your favorite songs on the radio, tape or CD.

This Zelda game I believe should have had more development on it and improved in all areas but that’s life but if you really want it go get it and you’ll find out why!

Here is a list of those who contributed to our multi-person review:

• Leminnes is a Super Moderator of our forums, as well as a newsposter and graphics guy for the main site.
• pipking is a senior member of our Behind the Rupees feature on the site, as well as an all-around great writer.
• GDwarf is a mod of our Serious Discussion forum on the forums. He is a very good at debating, as well as writing.

Continue on to the next page, or jump to a specific author’s review:

Gameplay

The gameplay of the games on the NES, SNES, and Game Boy were all fairly similar; Link would explore an overworld and underworld via one screen at a time. A very limited aspect of gaming that was limited to the system they were played on. Ocarina changed the gameplay of Zelda to include not just one screen of world but the entire scope of the land you were exploring. From the beginning of the game in the forest, until the very end battle against Ganondorf, you could explore every part of Hyrule without the limit of one screen at a time. The only time Link would really change “screens” is when he went to a new area, but even then, the areas were larger than those in the original games.

The game was also the first Zelda game to feature the “lock-on” targeting system, which allowed Link to focus on one enemy at a time. This allowed gamers to defeat enemies more seamlessly on the 3-D platform.

The game also is fairly linear, with many side quests for the player to enjoy. The pieces of heart that were scattered around the whole of Hyrule was back for players to find and increase their life. Diving games, fishing games, and other oddities made their way into this game as well.

The dungeons of course were a thing of beauty. No longer restricted to the one screen at a time rule, Link was able to go from larger room to larger room with ease and face more obstacles in his path. The “one major item per dungeon” rule was also implemented as well, with Link adding to his repertoire (but that will be for a later section).

Graphics and Sound

Compared to games nowadays, Ocarina’s graphics surely are not up to standards. But, for the first 3-D Zelda game, they are magnificent. They were the stepping stone for Zelda games to come (including the recent Twilight Princess). Link was finally shown as a 3-D model, rather than a sprite he had been stuck as for 10 years. It was a great change, as well as a much needed one.

The sounds of the game were exceptional as well. Conducted by Koji Kondo, the melodies of the game were soothing, as well as fierce, to match the situation you were put in. Each temple had it’s own theme and each reflected the element of the dungeon (uplifting tune for the Forest Temple, a somber tune for the Fire Temple, an eerie tune for the Shadow Temple, etc.).

Story

Here is where things get interesting. The game has a very simple story, but many fans believe this is where the Zelda Timeline got very messed up.

The main story of the game is Link, a boy from the forest (as well as one without a fairy) is awoken by a fairy telling him the forest’s guardian, the Great Deku Tree, has summoned him to talk to him. Upon gathering a shield and sword from the forest, he talks to the Great Deku Tree, which his adventure truly starts. Link learns of an evil man from the desert who has cursed the tree for his own selfish needs. Upon defeating the evil within the tree, Link receives a Spiritual Stone, the very thing that this evil man wanted. Link also learns about the goddesses, as well the Triforce (a magical relic the goddesses left behind), as well as the Sacred Realm (the resting place of the Triforce, to which no one may enter without the right “clearance). The Spiritual Stone that Link holds helps him into the Realm.

Link then sets out into Hyrule to meet the Princess of Destiny, so that he may learn his own fate. Zelda tells him of Ganondorf, the evil man the tree speaks of, as well as the other two Spiritual Stones. The three stones, as well as the Ocarina of Time can open the Sacred Realm. Link sets out to gather the last stones before Ganondorf can.

Once Link retrieves them, he finds Zelda fleeing the castle, being followed by Ganondorf. Link stands up to him, only to struck down. As Ganondorf leaves, Link retrieves the Ocarina from the moat (to which Zelda had thrown it) and enters the Sacred Realm by pulling the Master Sword from the Temple of Time. Ganondorf, who had followed Link, enters with him, gathering the Triforce in the process.

Link wakes seven years later in the Sacred Realm in front of Rauru, an ancient sage. He tells Link of the evil that Ganondorf has caused in seven short years and that Link was too young to wield the Master Sword at such a young age. He slept for seven years to wake as the Hero of Time. He then instructs Link to find five other sages and add their power his own to defeat Ganondorf.

Link then travels to all the temples of Hyrule and awakens all the sages. He enters Ganon’s Castle, defeats him and is sent back to his own time to live out his life like he should have.

The reason this game caused so much “controversy” was the fact that before this game there was no “timeline”. The games were thought to be in order of release. Miyamoto stated that it would be the first in the “timeline” of sorts. To which, Timeline Theories to this day continue to be thought up.

The other “controversy” is the ending of the game. When Link is sent back in time at the end, many believe that the game splits into two separate timeline, while many believe the timeline is one straight timeline. This debate continues to this day.

We may never know the true nature of the timeline, but the game’s story is one to be reckoned with.

Items

The items in the game are something of wonder. Not only does Link wield his sword and shield again, he also gains some 3-D versions of his favorite items. The hookshot, bow, bombs, and boomerang make their return to the series, along with new items like the Lens of Truth (an item that allows Link to see the unseen), the Ocarina (which was featured in Link’s Awakening, but this one allows Link to open up passages with song, as well as warp from one end to Hyrule to the other with just a tune), the return of magic, as well as magic items, and other minor items. This game also features changing of boots and tunics, that Link must use in order to complete some puzzles.

Overall Experience

Once again, what else can be said about this game that hasn’t been said? It is an excellent Zelda game that launched the series into a new era. A new era that includes the newest addition, Twilight Princess, that wouldn’t be here with the step Ocarina took. This game should be played if you are Zelda fan, there is no question about that.

10/10

For those of you who haven’t yet picked up the game but already know the gist: Link, after adventuring off with Tetra, runs into some funny-looking ship and Tetra, being brave and somewhat idiotic, leaps aboard only to be captured (ironically immediately after telling Link that she could have saved herself back in The Wind Waker). Link tries to leap onto the strange ship to rescue her, but falls in the sea and wakes up without any of his previous equipment from The Wind Waker, where he enlists the help of a Navi-like fairy named Ciela who has no memories and her keeper, an old man named Oshus.

My first question, almost instinctively, is “Where are the other pirates?” Unfortunately, you don’t learn the answer to this until the very end of the game, which is quite daunting because you never really know where you are. You assume you’re on the Great Sea. So we can be in to two possible situations:

• First case scenario: You are so lost that you cannot be found, which is quite odd considering you can so easily discover the Ghost Ship’s whereabouts.
• Second case scenario: The bunches of pirates who tagged along with you suddenly decided that Tetra and Link are a lost cause and abandoned themselves from the game, leaving you utterly alone, and still lost.

Luckily, being lost isn’t Link’s only problem. Nintendo was smart enough to dispose of the Master Sword in The Wind Waker, which means that there’s an entirely new plot device for this game: The Phantom Sword. Aside from its creative name it is, of course, the only weapon that can defeat Bellum, an ultimate-evil figure only revealed to Link after he has put his life in mortal danger halfway through the game. Granted, it follows the Zelda formula perfectly, but I get the feeling that it’s become a bit watered down, and that’s not just because the entire game is a vast ocean.

The first half of the game was an incredible experience filled with smiles. I finished it quickly and with never-ending joy, and dealt with the dungeon crawling as it came. I’m a huge fan of The Wind Waker, so playing its sister game is simply a magical experience for me. That said, despite anything I may negatively state about Phantom Hourglass (which will be quite a bit), I deeply love the game and feel that the experience is still somewhat magical, at least during the first half when the game’s resemblance to The Wind Waker on a device as weakly powered as the DS is still a sight to see. So, before I move on I will state that The Wind Waker is the only reason I came to ZU initially and all other Zelda games followed thereafter, because The Wind Waker was such an incredible experience.

Thus, hearing some of the same Wind Waker music play in-game during Phantom Hourglass made me squeal with joy. But I can’t help but feel that the developers got lazy after the first three song ports, because after the first few scenes the game only plays about three more songs: The town theme, the normal enemy-ridden island theme, and the sailing theme. While the sailing theme is clearly a beauty, everything else stinks like the festering remains of a compost heap. After reading IGN’s review that the game’s music was splendid and that I should “wear headphones” while playing the game, I’ll admit that by the first dungeon I only wore the headphones to satisfy the sanctity of aloneness in enjoying the Wind Waker sequel experience and not, in fact, to enjoy Phantom Hourglass’s music. New tunes are about as rare as the pure metals themselves.

But all of this is trifle compared to the granddaddy of all wonderful ideas: The Temple of the Ocean King, which pokes its ugly head into the player’s experience from square one, but never unleashes its true fury until Link must retrieve the last two Sea Charts. If anybody complained about sailing in The Wind Waker, which I did not and in fact found it to be a very enjoyable experience, fun to control and very freeform, then I could only guess that the most complained-about part of Phantom Hourglass is The Temple of the Ocean King. Like Yahtzee for Zero Punctuation (for our older readers out there), I became frustrated going down this bottomless tomb of action-packed stealth mode by about the sixth time, especially since I had gotten the midpoint portal and had bothered to go through those long floors below to get the third Sea Chart.

I don’t think the game makes it clear enough that your mission is to retrieve two sea charts, for this fact completely passed over my brother and I, and both of us ended up back in The Temple of the Ocean King once again to go through those same floors and get the Sea Chart we had failed to pick up before.

This, you see, is where the game got put down, and all through November and half of December I told myself, “Today’s the day I’m going to get that darned Sea Chart,” but I couldn’t do it. The Temple of the Ocean King is very easy, but it’s also very slow, and twice as boring. I would have never picked up the game again if my little brother (henceforth Max) decided to get me the last sea chart. I had tried several times to have fun while getting it, but during those tries I ended up leaving my DS shut and on overnight, not wanting to actually finish the puzzles then and believing my battery would last long enough for me to procrastinate. The batteries, of course, died, and I had to repeat the process. And after four or five times letting this happen, I admitted that I was not going to bother with the Temple and I begged my brother, who enjoyed the Temple more than I, to bring good ol’ Link to the Sea Chart for me.

It’s not that The Temple of the Ocean King is the worst thing in the world, it’s that the entire game is designed like a dungeon crawler and less like a Zelda game, and that the stealth mode of the Temple stands in such high contrast to the constant action that the rest of the game offers and looks awkwardly out of place. The game feels, overall, rushed and compacted. With only five or so rotating songs throughout the game, it never feels like the player has gone anywhere. Furthermore the sailing, which I thought was fun and freeform in the past, becomes a monotonous “draw a line and wait” saga. The enemies are clearly only there to keep the player attached to the game while Linebeck’s ship makes its merry way across the seas, for without them we’d all be walking away from our consoles and having a hearty breakfast in the meantime. Although it’s quicker, it really makes exploring drab unlike it was in The Wind Waker. Lastly, while it’s a very small gripe, everybody likes to believe that Link is in a sailboat for some reason, although it’s clearly a steamboat.

A genre? Naw.

What also perplexed me was the obvious lengthening of dungeons by increasing the number of puzzles on the surrounding island(s). It always seems like the puzzles completed outside of the dungeon are far more difficult compared to the actual dungeon puzzles themselves, making the dungeons seem either rather useless or just very long and mundane. Although the puzzles get creative and interesting near the end of the game, it never quite makes up for the fact that Link spends nearly all of the game in some winding, twisting enemy-infested maze. Does he ever get a break? Only, really, to read mail, and then it’s off to another dungeon. It becomes dungeon after dungeon after dungeon, which is indeed the Zelda formula, but the dungeons are so close in proximity with one another and the player has hardly any interaction with the towns (if there are any) that it leans away from the Zelda formula and enters into the dungeon crawler realm, where it hangs in the middle like some foster child confused about who his real mother is.

The ending is my final gripe. Up until that point the game had made perfect sense, and I was accepting that the plot followed a general Zelda formula with some whipped cream on top and wasn’t going to change by this far into the game. I suppose it would be like trying to put a proper plot in a Mario game; it’s not the plot anybody is really looking for when they play Mario, and like Mario the Zelda plotlines are all rather the same, so it felt awkward when out of nowhere came this “other world” nonsense shoved in my face right before the ending. I felt like I had just played Link’s Awakening (the first thing I said when I saw the Ocean King’s true form was “wind fish!”), only this time I had absolutely no idea what was going on. Then in a flash of fog everybody is gone and you’re back where you started, as if the game only wanted to confuse me more and make me wonder if anything I just did was worth anything at all. On top of that, the pirates who had never bothered to look for you decide to find you, and say that you’ve only been gone for ten minutes – short enough to completely void all of Link’s adventures and make Tetra mad enough to strangle and shake the nearest pirate for making no sense at all, similar to what I thought about doing to my DS at this time. To make matters more complicated, one of the pirates suggests that it may have been a dream.

But no matter, for Link pulls out the Phantom Hourglass – somehow separated from the Phantom Sword, perplexity number one, and somehow completely empty, perplexity number two. I don’t think anybody will ever understand why the Ocean King would send half of what is the only device that can defeat evil to another dimension, but I also assume that when another big evil shows up Oshus will get what’s coming to him and wish he hadn’t given away the Hourglass and sent it to some far off world. The game ends with its pretty credits while the player is left in a sort-of plotline purgatory, if you will, wondering what the heck this “other world” is/was.

The control scheme, however, is a shining jewel in the midst of all this nonsense. If anything is absolutely superb in Phantom hourglass, it is the control scheme. Link moves easily and every stroke feels natural. Drawing on the map is fun, albeit everything that needs to be drawn is rather dictated to you by the funny-looking Gossip Stones. The game feels easy in that sense, but it never detracts from the joy the player receives from pulling levers and slashing the sword (and later shooting laser beams from it).

Absolutely Ship-tastic

Although it’s not game-centric, I must talk about ship parts, because that seems to be where all the fun is in Phantom Hourglass. Although I’ve never found merit in running around collecting items that aren’t at the end of a dungeon, ship parts are fun and easy to get, and fun and easy to trade.

Tag mode trading sounds like a good idea in practice. You put your goodies in a box, close your DS and be merrily on your way and out of nowhere will come somebody willing to trade with you. But, as usual, reality likes to ruin our fun: you’ll never actually find anybody else who is in tag mode walking down the street.

It is, and I can say this because Max has proven it, possible to get all of the ship parts entirely on your own if you play the game day-in and day-out, reset your clocks and switch the dates on your DS, and make the system itself eventually implode. It’s great fun, even though it’s incredibly time-consuming and the only thing the player can get out of collecting the elusive Golden Ship Parts is one extra heart on his or her ship (eight instead of seven) and a clear look at what the word “tacky” really means (see the gold-dipped iPhone, or anything else dipped in gold for that matter). How such a weak metal can fare at sea where an iron-clad battleship cannot is beyond me, but it doesn’t damage the excitement of hunting for ship parts. Also, when The Temple of the Ocean King finally gets fun and you can kill those darned Phantoms, there is a ship part waiting for you once you kill them all (a fitting reward for sweet revenge).

However, since I don’t have an addictive personality like Max does, I’ll probably be asking people if they’d like to trade with me. I “bought” a Golden Chimney with my Freebie Card – the only useful thing Beedle ever gave a customer. When the Compliment Card makes its return it seems more nostalgic than anything else, and I don’t have a problem with it since it came after the Freebie Card, and not before.

All-in-all, Phantom Hourglass is enjoyable and almost as magical as The Wind Waker – at least the first half. Once the player really begins traversing The Temple of the Ocean King time and time again he or she might realize that Nintendo spent more energy deriving a way to drag out the game’s length this time than when they created the Triforce shard hunt in The Wind Waker. It remains cleverly disguised for only a short time – perhaps the developers should think of an even more clever way to drag out the length of a game as short as Phantom Hourglass. Perhaps they could concoct more inventive boss battles, which were usually fun but always incredibly short and easy to defeat. Either way, it’s become clear that finding a way to stall for time during game play is not fun, and that wonderful games never come from the practice.

I suppose one could argue that the Temple is more plot-centric than any other method the developers could have used to lengthen the game, but stealth and Zelda still don’t mix nicely. It would have been the icing on the cake if Nintendo hadn’t deviated and tried to include stealth in only part of a Zelda game, and dungeon crawling throughout the rest. It ends up creating a game that looks beautiful and plays wonderfully while the game is fresh and the player is ignorant, but once the player wises up The Temple of the Ocean King becomes frustrating and the game incredibly repetitive. The controls may be innovative, but more could have surely been done with Phantom Hourglass beyond that and the pretty visuals. But perhaps now it is time to say that The Wind Waker saga is finally over and done with, and although I loved Wind Waker more than any other man, I can say that I’m happy to see that section of Zelda history go out the way it did with Phantom Hourglass. Timeline theorists may now dismiss my statements that Zelda plots are repetitive.